Swifferad-DetailWell, we got our new Swiffer Wet Jet, and the special bottle of stuff to clean the hardwood floors, only to find that we’ve fallen into a terrible trap, as reported by The Onion:

The blank, oppressive void facing the American consumer populace remains unfilled today, despite the recent launch of the revolutionary Swiffer dust-elimination system, sources reported Monday.

The lightweight, easy-to-use Swiffer is the 275,894,973rd amazing new product to fail to fill the void–a vast, soul-crushing spiritual vacuum Americans of all ages helplessly face on a daily basis, with nowhere to turn and no way to escape.

[snip]Despite high hopes, the Swiffer has failed to imbue a sense of meaning and purpose in the lives of its users.

Wetjet“The new Swiffer, as seen on TV, requires no spray or chemical cleaners, so I’m sure you can understand how excited I was to finally find something that could give my sad, short existence a sense of worth,” said Manitowoc, WI, homemaker Gwen Hull. “When you finish the clean-up job, simply tear off the patented Swiffer Cloth and throw it away–as easy as one, two, three. But when I did this, tossing the soiled, disposable Swiffer Cloth into the garbage can like so many hollow, rejected yesterdays, I thought to myself, ‘Is that it? Aren’t I supposed to feel more fulfilled than this?’ It all felt so futile. I felt like that Swiffer Cloth in the trash represented me, my hopes and dreams made manifest. I felt like it was my goals and aspirations for a better life that were lying there in the garbage, never to be heard from again.”

In our own case, it was not so much ennui as a dirt build-up that thwarted our chances for happiness. The Wet Jet is handy and efficient, and performed well during a spontaneous, urgent “Cat Yak” test, but even after a soaking, the kitchen floor failed to pass the “Paper Towel” test — a wipe with Bounty still got up plenty of dirt.

(BTW, that is an actual picture of The Beat with the Swiffer, because when we want to mop the floors we always put on a pair of white capri pants, wink wink.)

Still, we’re commited to a new level of janitorial oversight here at Stately Beat Manor. We’re not giving up on our Swiffer, oh no. We’ve got to have something to live for, after all.

[Thanks to Ruth C. for the link.]


  1. Heidi, watch out!! Those wet-jets (or at least the Swiffer brand wet-jet spray liquid) is a cat killer! Maybe they’ve changed the formula in the last couple of years, but I’m pretty sure there were more than a few cat fatalities caused by eating off of (or just licking) wet-jetted floors. Just a heads-up.
    Nice capris, by the way…

  2. I’m bothered by the company’s use of the word “swiffering”. It just doesn’t make any sense. It should be “swiffing”. You own a Swiffer; with it you swiff; you have been swiffing.

    It’s like a blender — you aren’t “blendering” with it!