Currently on Riverdale:
Jughead tells the new Sheriff (his dad) that he put Tallboy on a bus out of town. Skeet doesn’t believe him in the slightest. Oh wow, Tallboy’s body was under the bed on which Skeet was sitting. How bad does that bunker smell that Skeet doesn’t catch a whiff of the dead body literally right under his own nose?
When exactly is Jughead typing out all this narration? Does he have time for it during each episode?
Archie tries to break the news to his dad that he’s not college material. Fred offers him a job on his construction site. On his first day, Archie gets reprimanded for working through a break and then foolishly picks a fight with the site foreman. He gets kicked off the crew on day one. Oh, Archie…
Hey, Elio is back, and he brought flowers. Although that looks more like a funeral bouquet than a hospital bouquet. Elio warns Veronica that hits like the one on her father rarely go unfinished.
Veronica hires Jughead to find out who shot her dad. Suspect #1: Hermione Lodge! This episode is going full film noir gumshoe glory.
I feel like the title card has been moving closer and closer to the beginning of the episode these last few weeks. I have no problem with this.
Jughead get straight to the point when he meets with Hermione, asking her point blank if she shot her husband. She claims she was the one on the phone with Hiram when he was shot. Hermione admits to Jughead that she has been pissed with Hiram recently, because he’s been having an ongoing affair with some blonde woman. She give Jughead Hiram’s mistress’s photo.
Archie’s dad fires him from the job. Don’t start a fight with your dad’s longtime site foreman on day one, kiddo. Also, Fred found Archie’s bottle of booze. Things get rich when Dylan McKay is warning his son about the perils of teen drinking.
Betty attends Cornelius Blossom’s funeral. It’s sparsely attended. Penelope says Cornelius took his own life. Betty isn’t there to pay her condolences as much as she’s there to talk to Cheryl. Betty has noticed that people around Penelope keep dying either by poisoning or suicide. She tries to warn Cheryl, but Cheryl doesn’t want to hear any of it.
Fangs tells Jughead they need to move Tallboy’s body. Jughead says it’s too hot right now. I hope he doesn’t mean literally. Because gross.
Hiram’s capos suggest Veronica make a deal with Elio’s family for protection. Veronica doesn’t take their advice well. She tells them not to “mobspain” to her. She immediately fires them on the spot, the only two guys guarding Hiram at the hospital. Great move. She replaces them with Smithers and Reggie. Winning move after winning move, Veronica.
Betty tells Jughead that there was no autopsy performed on Clifford. They sneak into a hotel room, trying to find Hiram’s mistress, only to find a BDSM club. Jughead shows the photo of the mistress to the dominatrix on duty. She tells him to “Try room 311.” Ooh, 311? I hope her name is Amber. It turns out they’re in Penelope Blossom’s BDSM club, The Maple Club. Jughead tries to get Penelope to confess to poisoning people, but she doesn’t go for it. She has an alibi. They’re so sure she’s the murderer that there’s no way she actually is the murderer. Riverdale is ridiculous, but not poorly plotted.
At La Bon Nui, Josie sings and Archie is doing shots. Veronica’s ex-boyfriend is getting drunk at the bar and Reggie is bartending. Yeah, this is going to end great.
It ends with Josie trying to sober up Archie (and knocking some much-needed sense into him) with a cold shower.
Veronica starts collecting her dad’s vig money about town. She certainly has fallen from grace fast. She intimidates a construction foreman by pointing to her “dad” in his car, though that’s really only Reggie in a hat.
Coroner Curdle tells Betty that Mrs. Blossom requested no autopsy be performed on her husband after his death, but that Dr. Curdle Sr. couldn’t resist. Curdle Sr. discovered Clifford Blossom was poisoned and dead before he hung himself.
Archie tells Josie that he’s going to face and kill one last demon. He means demon figuratively, but I’m pretty sure he means kill literally.
Veronica finds a shady collection of invoices and receipts. She discovers that Hermione is part of Hiram’s fizzle rocks empire. Hermione claims she told Hiram to shut it all down. Veronica suggest burning it all to the ground, but her mom has another idea, namely selling it all instead. Veronica looks rightfully dismayed by and suspicious of her mother.
Betty confronts Penelope about Clifford’s death. Penelope says she doesn’t kill people, but she does kill men. She then explains it was Claudius’s fizzle rock manufacturing runoff in the Sweetwater Reservoir that caused all the girls’ seizures earlier this season. Penelope basically admits everything to Betty, but doesn’t seem worried. Doesn’t she realize Betty might have a recorder? Penelope threatens to out Betty’s involvement in Chic’s death if Betty rats her out.
Jughead sneaks into room 311 and is met by KELLY RIPA!! Hahaha, Hiram’s mistress is his real life wife! It turns out, she’s not Hiram’s mistress, but she is on the take. Kelly is the water inspector. Hiram hired her to fake water reports on the runoff in the reservoir.
Hermione Lodge is having an affair! With Sheriff Manetta! Who definitely does have his head attached. Hermione wants him to kill someone with his old sheriff’s gun so that Skeet gets the blame.
Archie visits Hiram’s hospital room. He runs into literally no one on his way to Hiram’s room. How on earth is that? Oh man, Archie’s got a gun! Also, wait a minute, he was carrying it in plain sight this whole time? Archie…
Jughead catches his dad before he heads to the hospital. He tries to warn Skeet not to go there, because Hermione is setting him up. In a flashback, Curdle admits that Hermione paid him off to fake Manetta’s death report. Skeet admits to Jughead that he shot Hiram last week. It was revenge for Hiram having Polly and her goons almost beat Jughead within an inch of his life. Jughead tells his dad the truth about Tallboy.
Someone is calling the hospital, but there’s no one around to answer. Who arranged to have it emptied completely? Hermione? Archie has a gun to Hiram’s head when a masked man creeps in to finish the job. Archie fires at the would-be assassin, saving Hiram’s life. Oh, sweet irony. Archie is not a good enough shot to finish the job from three feet away. The would-be killer escapes, leaving Hiram’s other would-be killer still in the room. You know you’ve pissed people off when people are shooting each other over who gets to shoot you.
Hermione shows up at the Sheriff’s office just in time to find Skeet about to have an interview with Alice. He’s going to announce who shot Hiram. It was “Gerald Petitte aka Tallboy”.
Veronica is putting two and two together that Hermione had Hiram shot so that she could sell all his drugs. She now wants to break into the prison with Reggie to destroy all the drugs before her mom can sell them. When Archie calls her to the hospital, she delegates destroying the drugs to Reggie. Former drug dealer Reggie. Veronica is outdoing Archie is the decision making department this episode.
Veronica asks Archie what he was doing in the hospital room in the first place. He lies and says he was looking for her. Hiram’s awake! He wants to see Archie! Hiram wants a truce with Archie. Mob boss making a truce with a high school kid. This is like The Godfather meets Home Alone.
Reggie and Veronica burn all the fizzle rocks in a bonfire. Shouldn’t they be wearing masks over their mouths and noses? Hey, let’s burn a building full of drugs with no protection! Sounds like a great idea. They both going to be HIGH AS FUCK.
Betty and Hal continue their best Clarice and Hannibal impersonation. Betty runs her investigation by her dad. After talking to him, she says maybe not every murder is guilty and not every victim is innocent. Oh man, Betty is heading down a dark road.
Archie stops by La Bon Nui to thank Josie. He also wants them to perform together. Josie’s into it. New love interest? After Josie, who’s left for Archie to bang? His friends’ moms?
Hermione is freaking out about what Veronica did to the drugs. She was paid in advance for those drugs and she doesn’t have the money anymore. Veronica doesn’t seem to care.
Hermione meets with Jughead. Why would you ever meet with this woman on your own, Jughead? Jughead lays all the evidence at Hermione’s feet. She tells Jughead that if she goes down, Skeet is going down too. Ooh, when Hermione gets evil, she gets very evil.
Later, Manetta and Hermione are in bed, looking like they just had sex. Hermione grabs a gun and kills Manetta post-coitus. Um, Betty, maybe Penelope isn’t the Black Widow, maybe it’s Hermione. Interesting, Hermione is in a red nightie. Is this to signify she is the real Red Dahlia of this episode?
Veronica pays Jughead, but says she doesn’t care who really shot her dad. She told her dad it was Tallboy who shot him. When Jughead offers to tell her who really did it, she says, “Forget it, Jughead. it’s Riverdale.” Oh man. This show.
You guys! Archie kept his shirt on for the entire episode! Is this a Riverdale first?