Wow, kudos to Kevin (Casey Cott). He’s really putting in extra work staking out the Riverdale truck stops. And man is he going deep undercover, hooking up with rando truckers in an attempt to ferret out the killer. Oh wait, he’s just hooking up with random truckers. Oh, Kevin!
Meanwhile, across town, Archie (KJ Apa) is a one-man firefighter calendar and Betty (Lili Reinhart) just turned the page to Mr. August, which is Archie in about 1/3 of his uniform. That outfit definitely smells like ash and BO, right?
Jughead (Cole Sprouse)’s anthropologist comes to visit. She looks like she doesn’t like having her time wasted when Jughead tells her he lost the mothman body. After he tells her his story of his alien encounter, she says in the vast majority of cases like this, it’s a psychological problem. But Tabitha (Erinn Westbrook) counters with, “And in the other cases?” The professor wants to help Jughead get to the bottom of things. Jughead’s not really into it though.
Alice (Madchen Amick) is making MISSING posters for Polly in front of Polly’s kids while they color. They’re 8 or 9. They can read, Alice! And that woman’s face on the MISSING sign is mommy!
Damn, Fangs (Drew Ray Tanner) is ripped. Kevin wants to have a talk about their relationship. It sounds like he’s about to come clean about his truck stop rendezvous, when Fangs says he wants to be monogamous, and hints to the viewer that he used to cheat on Kevin when he was on the road as a trucker, but that’s all in the past, and Fangs wants to start fresh. Kevin looks straight-up torn between wanting to tell Fangs what he’s been up to at the truck stop and not wanting to lose this good thing he has in their relationship, or maybe he just doesn’t want to break Fangs’s heart? It’s hard to say. Maybe all three?
There’s another body in the swamp. Betty is happy to report to Alice that it’s not Polly. This body has been in the swamp for more than a year. Whoever this new killer is, he’s really been busy. Even if this new killer is only killing drifters, Riverdale isn’t that big a town. How many drifters are there? Do the drifters outnumber the regular folk?
Veronica (Camila Mendes) wants to remodel her apartment and hires Archie to do the job. Ladies Love Cool Archie.
Kevin and Fangs announce to the assembled gang in the teacher’s lounge that they are engaged, and surprise, Toni (Vanessa Morgan) is carrying their baby! All three are going to raise the child. Everyone is happy, except for Cheryl, who looks ready to blow her stack before Riverdale cuts away to its title card.
Cheryl bursts into Toni’s office to confront her. Toni explains that she found out in college that she has a medical condition that makes it harder for her to have a kid the older she gets. This calms Cheryl, but then Cheryl of course makes it about herself within a minute. Toni hints she’d like to give her and Cheryl another shot, but Cheryl storms off.
Betty tells Kevin about her and Archie, but promises him to secrecy. Is Kevin good at keeping a secret? Is everyone going to know by the end of the episode?
Jughead teaches his class Slaughterhouse-Five. He theorizes that the main character may have just been crazy the entire time. Through his classroom door, he sees a Mothman. Good timing. Jughead calls Dr. Whitley after class, saying he changed his mind.
Cheryl paints Ms. Marple as Artemis. She loves Cheryl’s work, but this is weird extortion going on here. “Paint me or I turn you in,” basically.
Veronica gets a call from Katy Keene. Man, Riverdale is really pushing this spinoff any way it can. Why is Katy calling? She spotted Chad out for coffee with another girl. Veronica plans revenge by posing with a flexing Archie and Jackson and posting it to her social media.
Archie and Betty aren’t as secret of a relationship as we may have thought, as Jackson knows what’s up with them. And Jackson doesn’t seem that quiet. It’s like a race as to which side character spills the beans first.
That night, Cheryl announces that she’s going to throw a blowout party for Toni, Fangs, and Kevin, to celebrate their new baby and help them all usher in their thirties. It’s going to be a key party. Cheryl is 20 years early on her midlife crisis and has seen The Ice Storm too many times.
Polly’s back! Wait, it’s just a dream or a nightmare. Betty’s subconscious thinks Trash Bag Killer is behind these dead bodies in the swamp. Archie comes over for some FWB fun, and Betty pushes aside thinking about her nightmare in favor of Archie’s lips.
The next morning, Archie tells Jackson that it’s feeling less like a booty call, and he still has feelings for Veronica too. Same old Archie.
Kevin is way too into the idea of Cheryl’s key party. Fangs doesn’t get where that’s coming from.
Polly called Alice! Or at least that’s what Alice tells Betty. She says Polly sounded like “she was in a spaceship.” Oh boy. There go them Mothman again.
Jughead meets with the alien encounter support group. He shares his story from last week. Jughead has another vision of aliens and runs out. Tabitha follows him. He admits to blacking out in the past, in his NYC days. Drugs and alcohol were mostly to blame. Tabitha suggests they skip Cheryl’s party, but Jughead says that’s exactly what he needs to forget about the aliens…booze and drama.
Veronica helps Archie spackle The Pembrooke. That sounded dirtier than what I meant. Veronica asks what happens if they get matched at the key party, but then also mentions that Chad is coming up for the party. This is some weird flirting, Veronica.
It’s key party time! Even Reggie was invited. Fangs brings Rick, one of his trucker buds. Chadwick and Archie have a weird conversation, where he wonders why Riverdale has so many hot women. It’s like the writers of Riverdale just want to make sure that as bad as the main characters get, make sure you like Chadwick less.
Cheryl announces the rules of the party. It’s a free pass for people and their partners to do whatever they want. Does Cheryl have that kind of power? Veronica pulls Archie’s keys. Chad tries to veto it but gets shot down by both Archie and Veronica. No one is looking good here. Archie and Chad are ready to throw down, but Veronica gets in the middle of them. She trades Archie’s keys for Chad’s and announces they are leaving. Cheryl vetoes this as a rules violation, but Veronica points out that Cheryl doesn’t actually have any real power here. Finally, someone says it!
Jughead announces he’s next before taking a long swig of scotch and proceeding to stumble his way over to the bowl. I’m really not digging this alcoholic Jughead storyline. Tabitha offers to drive him home, but Cheryl won’t let him leave without drawing a key. Luckily, he draws Tabitha’s, who carries him out.
Jackson is the next to go. Ms. Marple looks like she wants him to pull her keys, and lucky her, he does. They’re the first pair to stick around and head off to another part of the mansion together. Reggie is next. He pulls Fangs’ keys and is surprisingly down. Reggie kisses him on the lips immediately. Kevin’s face mirrors every Riverdale viewer’s right now.
Kevin is the next to pull. He gets Fangs’ trucker buddy, Rick.
There aren’t many keys left when Betty pulls Archie’s, leaving Cheryl with Toni. Cheryl beckons Toni to follow her into a nursery she put together. Cheryl wants Toni, Fangs, Kevin, and the baby, or better off, just Toni and the baby to move in. The point of the party is to break up Kevin and Fangs. Cheryl is the queen of poor execution. Toni offered her a way back together, but instead, Cheryl comes up with this most contrived situation instead, and of course, it backfires in her face.
Kevin and Rick have a heart-to-heart in a gazebo. Rick tells him he’s pulling for Fangs and Kevin to work out. He’s like the anti-Cheryl.
Tabitha gets Jughead home. Jughead, it might be time to start going to AA meetings, and I don’t mean Alien Archivists.
Fangs is home before Kevin. Reggie, it turns out, is 100% straight. Kevin tells Fangs he doesn’t want to get married. Fangs is pissed and rightfully so.
Betty and Archie aren’t sure what to do. Archie comes clean about having feelings for Veronica. Not the best pillow talk, Archie. Betty is pretty much like, “My sister is missing. I’ve got bigger problems than my FWB having feelings for his ex.” She’s happy for the two of them to go back to being just friends.
Chad wants to know why Veronica even invited him up to Riverdale. Don’t we all!
Jughead blearily makes his way to the bathroom mirror in the morning and sees an alien behind him in his reflection. But of course, nothing is there.
Cheryl needs a pick me up the next day. Minerva Marple is all too happy to oblige, calling her gorgeous and kissing her. Minerva, you have no idea what you’re in for. Just kidding, Minerva is probably a serial killing grifter out to steal Thornhill.
Over at the gym turned fire department, Veronica stops by to visit Archie. Guess who is getting a divorce? Veronica’s marriage *almost* lasted five episodes. Veronica is ready to get down and dirty in the firehouse, but Archie throws water on this fire by telling her about him and Betty. Veronica’s not about to let something minor like that get in the way of her firehouse hookup.
The Coopers get a collect call from Alice. She’s at a payphone on the Lonely Highway. Who names these Riverdale roads? They drive off, find the payphone, but no Alice. And someone really murdered that phone booth! It’s on its side, smashed and covered in blood. There’s blood everywhere, even on top. And that’s all for this week, folks! Whose blood was that? Did that all come out of one person. Here’s my theory: they’re going to find a dead deer nearby and a truck smashed into a deer and then into the phone booth. As for where Polly is, I haven’t got a clue. Is Polly even really kidnapped? Or is the Farm back, and just messing with Betty with the aid of Polly?
