It’s Thanksgiving on Riverdale! Archie and his mom visit Fred Andrews’ grave. Hiram is already mayor of Riverdale, He ran unopposed. Did he announce his candidacy a week before the Riverdale general election? And no one else was running?
Dodger’s family checks on a comatose Dodger in the hospital. They vow revenge on Archie. Is it me or do they have a total Larry and his brother Daryl and his other brother Daryl from Newheart by way of a meth clinic vibe to them?
Hiram expresses concern about the public safety near Archie’s Community Center. To be fair, a local drug lord was found viciously assaulted outside the Community Center. Granted, it was most likely Hiram who either delivered or ordered the assault.
At the Community Center, Archie and Monroe announce they are going to host a Thanksgiving dinner there to keep the kids off the streets.
New teacher and possible plagarist Mr. Dupont lets his class out for Thanksgiving weekend. Jughead wants to know if there was any investigation into Mr. Chipping’s death. Dupont wrote it off as suicide and suggests Jughead over the long weekend forget his idea about his grandfather creating the Baxter Brothers. The look on Jughead’s face as Dupont walks away suggests he’ll do anything but that.
Betty is heading up to Jughead’s school for the holiday weekend. Brett listens in on Jughead’s call to Betty. I’m sure that will end well.
Cheryl tells Toni than an ice storm is coming. She then gleefully tells Toni that they can dump her uncle’s dead body in the water before the freeze comes in. She’s way too chill about this. I mean, Cheryl, you’re an accessory to homicide! But then again I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the girl who is hanging out with her dead brother is cool with manslaughter.
Veronica shows off the food she ordered from the country club for Archie’s Thanksgiving dinner. She went all out. Archie plans on deep frying a turkey. Knowing Archie’s past history at everything, does anyone think it’s a good idea to let him near a large deep fryer?
Skeet stops by the Community Center. It’s a business call. He’s under orders from the new mayor to shut Archie down. The Community Center is an active crime scene and Skeet’s hands are tied. Skeet gives him some under the table advice to “Screw him,” meaning Hiram, and go ahead with the dinner anyway.
Betty, sans ponytail, makes it to Jughead’s school before the storm. Betty is excited to see her boyfriend, very excited.
Betty’s mom is just as excited to see Jughead’s dad. She suggests eating out for Thanksgiving at Pops, and um, eating in, tonight.
The Lodge family sits down to a Thanksgiving dinner a day early. Veronica isn’t happy about Hiram closing the Community Center. Veronica pulls the tablecloth and everything on it off the table to show her displeasure. Veronica and Hiram have a back and forth of calling each other m’hija and papi, and I’m loving it.
Aunt Cricket is staking out the Blossom house. This puts a slight problem for Cheryl and Toni sneaking her dead husband’s body out. Why not just kill her too, Cheryl? Cheryl would rather trick her though and wants to invite Aunt Cricket to a gothic Blossom Thanksgiving dinner instead to scare her off.
Jughead thinks (likely rightly) that Mr. Dupont blackmailed Mr. Chipping into killing himself. Betty doesn’t see what Dupont could possibly say to Chipping to get him to kill himself. Jughead pulls out Chipping and Dupont’s yearbook photos. They each wear a Quill and Skull pin, which is a Stonewall secret society. It’s Riverdale meets Skull and Bones. Man, if only they got Joshua Jackson to play Chipping.
The ice storm has come to Riverdale. Pop’s sign is covered in giant icicles. Skeet and Alice are eating there, and aren’t excited to see Hiram and Hermione enter the diner. Alice invites them to join them, despite glares from Skeet.
While Jughead hits up a vending machine, an ax wielding guy in a bunny mask comes up behind him. Betty knocks him out. Donna comes up in the same outfit asking what the hell? It’s Brett under the other mask. They were just trying to prank Jughead. These two and their “pranks.”
The ice storm keeps Archie’s dinner sparsely attended, but Dodger’s family makes it. Archie welcomes them in, not knowing who they are.
Betty stitches Brett’s head as he bites on a belt and swigs alcohol. When he leaves in a huff, he drops a suicide note. Jughead picks it up, but Brett snatches it back. Brett claims it was just a ghoulish writing exercise, but Jughead doesn’t buy it.
It’s dinner at the Blossom house. Aunt Cricket brought cousin Fester, who looks surprisingly much less like Conan O’Brien than he did last week.
A kid warns Archie about Dodger’s family. He has seen them at the arcade before. Archie says he’ll handle it, and goes right up to Dodger’s mom…or sister…I can’t tell, she’s got that drugged out just how old is this lady look to her. Is she a hard up looking 50 year old or a really hard up looking 25 year old? Either way, she pulls out her gun and tells Archie they want to know who tried to kill Dodger.
The awkward foursome at Pops talk about the good old times. Hiram suggests heading downstairs to toast Fred.
The other awkward foursome decides to play never have I ever on the comfy private school lounge chairs. Brett is surprised Betty has kissed a girl and that Jughead is seemingly the only kid in Riverdale never to do drugs. “Isn’t Riverdale the drug capital of the world?” he remarks. Don’t forget murder capital, Brett!
Jughead rolls hard on “Never have I ever been in a secret society.” No one cops to it so he has to finish the whole flask. I guess that flask isn’t drugged like I originally thought. Betty offers to get a refill from their room. But she hunts through Donna’s desk and finds a Quill and Skull tie pin with the initial RC. Rupert Chipping! What’s that doing in Donna’s room?
Monroe wants to fight back but Veronica points out his “guns” don’t match real guns. Monroe’s brother makes a move for the Dodger family’s gun, but doesn’t get it. We then find out this lady is Dodger’s mother. Man, she’s lived a hard life. She commands Archie to get on his knees. Uh oh. She wants Archie to confess to trying to kill Dodger. He’s about to confess, but all the kids go “I am the Black Hood” Spartacus style. Mrs. Dodger is about to fire on Archie point blank when Archie’s turkey fryer blows, providing a good enough distraction. In the fracas that follows, Veronica pins Dodger’s brother’s hand to a table with a turkey fork and Mrs. Andrews pulls Mama Dodger’s gun on her. She tells the whole Dodger family to all get the hell out. Veronica looks way too happy pulling the turkey fork out of the Brother Dodger’s hand.
“Who in their right mind tries to deep fry a turkey inside?” asks Archie’s mom. That Archie!
Over drinks, Skeet lets Hiram know that he’s not his lapdog. They get into a fistfight that quickly escalates into Skeet having a broken and jagged rum bottle to Hiram’s throat. He backs down. Hiram is lucky, Toni and Cheryl would have done it.
At Blossom family Thanksgiving, Nana Rose spins a yarn of ye’ olde time Blossoms where the family went cannibalistic on each other after a particularly harsh winter. Cheryl threatens to go public with that story to get Aunt Cricket to back off her selling the Blossom family business and estate. When that doesn’t work, Cheryl tells them she ate Julian in the womb and they’re enjoying specially prepared meat pies just for them. At that moment, Chester pulls out Uncle Bedford’s ring from his bite of pie. To prove their craziness, Toni brings in Jason’s corpse holding dessert. Fester and Aunt Cricket run.
The never have i ever game continues. Jughead goes with never have I ever tried to cover up a murder. That doesn’t get any responses. Then Betty shows the tie pin they found in Donna’s room. Betty and Jughead want answers. Donna runs off. Betty follows. Donna tells Betty that Chipping gave her the pin, that she and Chipping were having an affair. She claims Chipping killed himself the day after she tried breaking things off with him.
Back at home, Skeet is pissed at himself for working for Hiram. He’s a Serpent, that’s no way for a Serpent to live! Alice suggests “being both.” Skeet likes that. Skeet is going to be both Sheriff and gang leader. Alice is way too happy with this.
Toni and Cheryl cuddle over a plan well done. They dumped the body. Aunt Cricket is gone. Am I the only one who sees a big hole in Cheryl’s plan? What’s stopping Aunt Cricket from going to the police? Being unwillingly fed the remains of a loved one doesn’t make her an accomplice to homicide. If you’re Aunt Cricket, you go right to the police here, right? Think of poor Nana Rose trapped in that house with those two thrill killing teens!
Betty thinks Donna might be playing them. She doesn’t totally believe her. We do know Donna is a great writer. Betty suggests Jughead talk to the headmaster. Betty also suggests the two of them head to bed and stay warm. Across the room, someone’s camera is filming them. Not cool, Brett.
Molly gives a Thanksgiving toast in Fred’s memory. I really miss Luke Perry on Riverdale. Archie says grace. After amen, he quotes his dad, who would always say, “Dig in, everyone. Grateful to be alive and be here with you.”
Skeet checks in on Dodger. His body is gone from the hospital!
Jughead wants to talk to the headmaster, who is busy with Donna. She came clean about her affair with Chipping. Brett says this proves Chipping’s death was a suicide. Jughead isn’t convinced.
On a big board, Betty is compiling notes on Jughead’s classmates and teachers. She draws an X over Mr. Chipping. Further proof of Betty becoming a serial killer by the final season?
Mrs. Andrews and Archie reminisce about Fred. She’s convinced the deep fryer exploding wasn’t just luck, it was Fred watching out for them. I think it was just that Archie Andrews dumb luck striking again, emphasis on dumb. Archie hangs a plaque and photo honoring his dad at the Community Center, and Riverdale ends on a surprisingly happy note.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! May you not find any relative’s ring in your meat pie this holiday!