It’s nighttime in Riverdale. A couple of Dodger’s kids break into a car straight out of the 1970s. That is, they try to until Vigil-Archie handcuffs one kid to the wheel and scares the other kid away. Later, Archie, sans vigilante costume, “finds” the kid handcuffed to the wheel, before Sheriff Skeet gets on the scene. Veronica hooks the kid up with a job at Pops to get him off the streets.
Jughead calls Betty and they meet up at Pops. He’s got a nasty case of writer’s block and wants to talk through it with Betty. Betty repeatedly suggests he kiss his girlfriend as a possible cure. It takes Jughead way to long to catch her drift here.
Cheryl has a nightmare where her mom, Nana and Jason tell her that Julian needs a body and he wants hers. As they approach with the doll, Cheryl wakes up in horror. The Julian doll is staring at her from across the room. Not creepy at all. Just kidding, burn that doll!
Archie and Reggie arrive at the boxing gym to find it trashed. Archie files a police report with Skeet. He wants the police to go after Dodger.
Betty and Kevin go over Betty’s surveillance of Charles. Kevin thinks he sounds more like a lonely gay guy than a serial killer.
Hiram holds a family meeting, including Veronica’s newly revealed half-hermana, Hermosa. Dun! Dun! Dun!
Skeet is having a hard time linking the local drug deals to Dodger. Skeet says he can’t arrest Dodger unless he finds physical evidence of drugs on him, but Dodger is too smart for that. I honestly kind of wish Skeet told Archie, “It’s Riverdale, Arch.” Can’t Skeet get his dealer kids to flip on him? Come on, Skeet! Haven’t you ever watched The Wire?
Jughead is reading through his Baxter Boys novels. The first novel is so stylistically different that Jughead thinks someone else besides Mr. Dupont wrote it. His theory is that his grandfather wrote it. Of course it is.
Betty pays Chic a visit in prison. Chic spins a story about Charles stabbing a guy to death with a pair of scissors while high on jingle jangle. Remember jingle jangle? The Riverdale drug of choice also sold at your local Trader Joe’s? He asks her why he’d have any reason to lie. I can think of plenty. She helped put you in jail. You’re a psychopath. This is the kind of thing you’d do for fun.
Apparently, Cheryl has not been attending school since the whole Julian doll showed up. Toni says she’ll drag her to school if she doesn’t go willingly. Cheryl agrees, but not before pouring a ring of salt around the Julian doll to keep him trapped at home. Not coo coo at all, Cheryl.
Betty confronts Charles about Chic’s story. She wants to hook Charles up to a polygraph and question him.
Archie meets with two of Dodger’s kids. He wants to know why they keep going back to him after they picked up by the cops. Their answer is basically “free pizza and arcade games.” Archie hits up his rich girlfriend for some arcade games. Ooh, get that classic X-Men game from the 90s!
Cheryl is summoned to the principal’s office. Dagwood, one of the twins, swallowed a ping pong ball. The doctors had to do an emergency tracheotomy. Before heading to the hospital, Cheryl checks on Julian. The line of salt has been broken! She finds him sitting on Jason’s lap and then proceeds to berate the doll. When she hears a noise in the house, she tells the dead body and the doll not to move. Upstairs she finds three previously unrevealed Blossom family members, Aunt Cricket, Uncle Bedford and a cousin who looks alarmingly like Conan O’Brien. Cheryl faints when they say hi. But she has no problem talking to dead bodies and possibly possessed dolls.
Betty interviews Charles on the polygraph. She’s running Chic’s story past him. He has his own version of it. According to Charles, it was Chic who killed the vagrant. Charles cleaned up and left. When Betty asks if Charles is hiding anything from them, the wire starts going crazy. He admits to being in Narcotics Anonymous. Before he tells anymore, he feigns annoyance and rips the polygraph off his arm. Come on, Betty, keep pressing things! This guy is dirty!
Hiram visits Archie at the boxing gym. He’s there to pay his respects to Archie’s dad. Hiram wants to make a donation in Fred’s memory, but Archie turns him down. As dumb as Archie has been on four seasons of Riverdale, he’s smart enough to know that a blank check from Hiram doesn’t come with strings.
Aunt and Uncle Blossom want to sell the syrup business. Toni likes the idea of getting out of the house, and start anew. Imagine a life with no dead bodies or creepy dolls. Just kidding, Cheryl would totally take those with her on the way out. Aunt Cricket wants to light candles in the chapel, which sets Cheryl into a rage. That’s not suspicious at all, Cheryl.
Hiram shows up at Hermione’s apartment. He says he wants to come home and starts undressing. I’m not sure what power Hiram has over Hermione, but he manages to seduce her in about a minute. Hey Riverdale, stop letting Mark Consuelos write his own scenes!
Jughead did some digging. He found a table of contents in some writing journal there listing a story by his grandfather, but the story itself was ripped out. Betty suggests checking the Riverdale High archives, since his grandfather attended there after Stonewall. Jughead hops on the next train.
Despite Archie procuring many arcade games at the gym, the street urchins aren’t flooding the place. He asks Tobey why, and it’s “Um, Dodger still gives them free pizza.” Veronica raises them burgers, fries and milkshakes. Tobey’s excited.
Cheryl submerges the Julian doll in a tub of water with a brick on him to drown the spirit in the doll. Toni righty looks at her like she’s losing her mind.
Veronica is shocked to find Hiram back at home. Hiram thinks Veronica is just jealous of Hermosa. She storms out.
Jughead finds a story written by Frosty Pajamas aka Forsythe Pendleton Jones. The story reads just like a Baxter Brothers book. Is Jughead going to sue for control of the Baxter Brothers?
Chic reported the murder that happened in the Cooper house to the FBI. Uh-oh. Charles takes the lead on the investigation with Skeet, which seems like a gross conflict of interest.
There are a lot of arcade machines at the gym, including some big ones. The place is packed. Is this place an arcade now? Dodger waits outside for Archie, who like a fool, heads out to meet him. Archie is outmanned and outraged here, but doesn’t back down. Dodger figured out that Black Hood 2.0 is Archie. Veronica, Reggie, and the rest of the Riverdale football team come out to back up Archie. Dodger backs down, but lets Archie know he’ll be seeing him again soon.
Charles and Skeet tell Betty and Alice that they “took care of it.” Going by how dirty Charles’s shirt is, I’m guessing they moved or disposed of the rotting corpse. Gross.
Jughead meets with Mr. Dupont. He flat out accuses him of plagiarizing his grandfather. Mr. Dupont tries to get Jughead to back down by vaguely threatening to have Jughead expelled. Man, that’s no way to get Jughead to back down.
Hermosa stops by Pops to talk to Veronica. Hermosa wants her to come to Hiram and Hermione’s vow renewal. Veronica politely declines.
Uncle Bedford and Aunt Cricket tell Cheryl their plan to have Cheryl declared mentally unfit. Why tell her? But in their defense, she is kind of crazy.
After seeing the evidence, Mr. Chipping agrees with Jughead that Jughead’s grandfather wrote the first Baxter Brothers novel. He agrees to help Jughead out the truth.
Archie finds a black hood on his front door. Archie panics and wants to get his mom somewhere safe, but a drive by shooter shoots up their house before they can get out. Luckly, neither is hurt.
Veronica comes home to find Hermosa at Hiram’s desk and a portrait of Hermosa having replaced Veronica’s behind his desk. She’s not happy.
Archie calls Hiram for a meeting. He needs protection from Dodger. Oh, Archie. You know this isn’t going to end well. For all you know, Dodger works for Hiram! Hiram politely turns down helping.
Mr. Chipping announces they are going to be discussing Conrad’s Heart of Darkness. Then he kind of mumbles an apology to Jughead and jumps through the second story window. When Jughead tells his classmates to call 911, no one even moves. They’re not frozen in shock, more like they’re just disinterested. Their reaction is almost scarier than Chipping’s suicide.
Cheryl wakes Toni when she hear a noise. They investigate. The chapel lock has been broken. Uncle Bedford is down there and discovered Jason! Uh oh. He grabs Cheryl. When Toni tries to get him off, he shoves her aside, so Toni hits him over the head with a metal pole. He falls hard. Double uh oh!
Charles meets with Chic in prison. They call each other babe and say they love each other. Triple uh oh!
Aunt Cricket comes by the next day looking for Uncle Bedford. He’s missing, and never came home last night. She wants to look around, but Cheryl tells her not without a search warrant.
Archie and Reggie find a bloody rug outside the gym. Just another morning in Riverdale, am I right? It’s all rolled up. They unfurl it and find an almost dead Dodger inside. Archie calls for an ambulance. See, Stonewall students? This is how you react in a situation like this!
Jughead’s writing class meets with their new writing teach, Mr. Dupont. Oh boy. Just drop out now, Jughead. Surprisingly, there’s no flash forward at the end of this week’s Riverdale episode.