If there’s one thing we’ve come to learn about Jeremy Renner, he is quite the entrepreneur. Well, at least that’s what he seems to believe. But after being a special brand of Hawkeye, launching a music career that is best summed up as “bargain bin Imagine Dragons and Taylor Swift’s sound mixer had a midlife crisis induced love child,” and a name-branded Amazon store packed with outdoor gear (yes, including arrows), the obvious next stop was to take to the people directly in 2017 by launching the Jeremy Renner App… called Jeremy Renner.
Intended to be a close-knit community of Renner stans, Jeremy Renner featured an opening screen with a brief video greeting from Jeremy Renner himself explaining that this was a place for “real fans” away from the harshness of regular social media. If you were still down after that, a loading screen photo screen of Renner (clearly stealing your soul in payment for the #RenHive) then brought you to what seemed to be an all-Renner private Instagram feed. On Jeremy Renner, Jeremy Renner would post photos with clever little captions (“Happy Rennsday!” On a picture posted on Wednesday! Can you imagine?!) and — like Instagram — fans of Jeremy Renner could reply with comments (“Me and my daughter are your biggest fans! Hope you’re having a great Rennsday LOL!”).
(1/?) I’d like to take you through the Jeremy Renner app, if you haven’t download it. This is what it looks like on your home screen, and the first thing you see when you open it: pic.twitter.com/jLbP3O5xmy
— bored. so, so bored. (@WritesSir) August 29, 2019
While it might seem like a normal Instagram of any ego-driven star and populated — briefly — with the actual no-joke “real fans” that Renner intended it for, the downfall was a combination of two things: fans being able to post photos, and the ability to comment freely with Jeremy Renner’s content in a “stars” (or points) system intended to make you more likely to be seen by the Great and Powerful Jeremy Renner of Hawkeye Fame; all of that stuff, plus the dumpster fire that is trolls on the Internet.
Perhaps the company responsible for running the app, ESCAPEX, should have had a little bit of a tighter platform in place, because once the app caught the attention of the bigger Internet, profiles from Jeremy Renner impersonating Jeremy Renner began popping up on Jeremy Renner.
With bans on trolls popping up left and right, Renner’s manager Kristoffer Winters went on record with The Ringer, saying, “It’s not censoring. I wouldn’t say censoring. It’s just that, if someone says something to somebody that’s nasty, we’ve decided to block them. If someone doesn’t like Jeremy [Renner], they don’t have to like Jeremy [Renner]. That doesn’t mean that we have to post their comments in Jeremy Renner. They can go a hundred other places and say something negative.”
That meant nothing, of course, and instead invited a whole new flood of trolls to Renner’s app; finding the tipping point in one comment where a user on Jeremy Renner (also named Jeremy Renner) mentioned under one of Renner’s photos that he’d be spending the weekend “watching porno.”
Sorry Mr. Renner pic.twitter.com/g9XDEVBRMj
— Mr. Doo Doo Penis (@boring_as_heck) August 21, 2019
With photos of buttholes uploaded and comments from fake Jeffrey Epstein saying that he’s out of prison and on a vacation in the Bahamas, who knows why an inundation of fake Jeremy Renners commenting to Jeremy Renner about “porno” ended up being Renner’s breaking point for Jeremy Renner the app, but with confirmation coming from Jeremy Renner himself, it’s safe to say that sadly, Jeremy Renner is no more.
In a message to fans on Jeremy Renner on Wednesday, September 4, Renner made the dramatic announcement of the app’s closure.
“The app has jumped the shark. Literally,” Renner wrote. “Due to clever individuals that were able to manipulate ways to impersonate me and others within the app I have asked ESCAPEX, the company that runs this app to shut it down immediately and refund anyone who has purchased any stars over the last 90 days,” he added. “What was supposed to be a place for fans to connect with each other has turned into a place that is everything I detest and can’t for won’t condone.”
If all of this news is just too much to take in, try thinking of it this way:
Fake Jeremy Renners plagued Jeremy Renner on Jeremy Renner with Jeremy Renner spam talking about Jeremy Renner liking porno, and that lead Jeremy Renner to pull the plug on Jeremy Renner.
Poor Jeremy Renner.