Funeral for a Friend
The good guys won last week, but not without a cost. It’s time for a funeral. Dany says goodbye to Friend Zone. During this whole scene, I keep looking at Dany’s three headed dragon pin. I love it. It’s 3D and everything. That would look cool on my denim jacket. When is someone going to release that?
Sansa mourns Theon. Sure, he betrayed their family, but he saved her when it counted and he was a brother to her. She leaves a Stark crested hairpin stuck in his tunic.
The dead are many. Their piled funeral pyres look like a small town of buildings from afar. Wait, didn’t the recently dead but reanimated good guys turned wights all turn to dust Infinity Gauntlet style when the Night King was destroyed? Or did I watch The Long Night too soon after Avengers: End Game? I must be confusing things, because there’s Lyanna Mormont’s body and she was definitely a wight last episode. Hey, Ghost lives! He’s beaten up and very bloodied, but living. Yay. Jon eulogizes Theon, Friend Zone and a whole bunch of extras. I’m still salty about the lack of real character death last week. They light the funeral pyres. Clouds of black smoke fill the air. Man, the smell of that place right now must be overwhelming.
Party On, Winterfell
The survivors are rewarded with a sullen feast in the hall. Jon can’t seem to figure the right words for Dany. Gendry wants to find Arya. Clegane calls him out on wanting booty. On his way out the door, Dany calls out Gendry and his true lineage. She gives him Storm’s End, since he’s Robert’s son and names him Lord Gendry Baratheon of Storm’s End. Everyone’s getting new names this season. First Jon, now Gendry. What other bastard needs a new name? Tyrion compliments Dany’s shrewd play here, ensuring Gendry’s loyalty.
“We may have defeated them, but we still have us to contend with,” Tyrion tells Davos. Now that the dead are no longer a concern to unite against, let the infighting begin! Tyrion really needs to remind everyone how much they hate Cersei. I mean, sure, she’s not Night King bad, but in many ways, she is.
Tyrion compliments Bran’s wheelchair, calling it clever. It turns out it’s based on a Targaryen design from 120 years ago. As this scene is happening, all I can think is man, I can’t stand it when Bran talks.
Inside the feast, which has descended into drunken revelry, Tormund cheers the Dragon Queen. Dany cheers Arya for killing the Night King, but she is nowhere to be found. Did she already travel south to kill the Mountain and Cersei?
Tyrion, Cersei, Jaime and Pod play a drinking game that’s basically Never Have I Ever, but reversed. It’s more like Yes, You Have. The goal is to predict things the others have done, which basically is the strategy of Never Have I Ever, minus the I part.
Tormund is rousing cheers for Jon and you can tell it’s getting to Dany. Varys notices this. Oh Dany, people like you too. You’re good enough, you’re smart enough and doggone it, people like you.
Drunk Brienne is Now My Favorite Brienne
Drunk Brienne has the best smile. She’s having a lot of fun playing Tyrion’s game. That is, until Tyrion plays “You’re a virgin.” Pod drinks. Hmmm, interesting. Brienne doesn’t drink, but she leaves instead. Jaime follows her out. He even cock blocks Tormund from going out after them. So smooth, Tyrion. Jaime owes you a wine or two.
Tormund once again gets the best line of the episode with “Now which one of you cowards shit in my pants?” I wonder how many Etsy listings there are already for t-shirt with that phrase and his photo.
Tormund cries to Clegane over his heartbreak, but ends up with another northern girl. A second sits next to Clegane, but he prefers wine over wenches, and shoos her away. Sansa joins him. He tells her there’s only one thing that will make him happy. He doesn’t elaborate, but I’m guessing we’re all assuming he means killing his brother, The Mountain.
Gendry finds Arya, and almost gets rewarded with an arrow in his head for it. She’s celebrating with archery practice. He tells her about his new title. He then gets down on one knee and proposes to Arya. Too fast, too soon, G. She kisses him and picks him back up. Arya turns him down gently. She tells him she’s not interested in being a lord’s lady.
The Kingslayer’s Got Moves
Jaime makes his way to Brienne’s room. Once inside, he notes “You keep it warm enough in here” and starts disrobing. Damn, good line, Jaime. Is this the kind of thing that worked on your sister? Jaime undressing with one hand is taking too long for Brienne. He tries taking her shirt off, but she can do that faster herself. Ohhhhhh yeah. He jokes, “I’ve never slept with a knight before.” Jaime and Brienne kiss. #donttellcersei
Dany finds Jon alone. She asks him if he’s drunk and he responds like a typical guy with “No…only a little.” They kiss and start disrobing, but then I think Dany remembers she’s his aunt. Actually, she doesn’t seem to mind that they’re related. She minds more that he’s competition for the Iron Throne. She wants Jon to swear Sam and Bran to secrecy and not tell a soul about his true lineage. He wants to tell Sansa and Arya. Dany doesn’t trust Sansa. She predicts that this truth will destroy them, but Jon disagrees. Dany, can’t you see you’re driving a wedge between you and Jon faster than Sansa can?
Knowing is Half the Battle
At Dany’s war council meeting, we find out that half the northmen survived. Half the Unsullied survived too. I expected someone to just wipe all the Dothraki pieces off the map here. Dany reiterates that she wants the Iron Throne. Tyrion and Jon suggest starving out King’s Landing with a siege. Starve the people out and they’ll revolt against Cersei. Sansa wants time for her men to rest. Dany feels a little betrayed, after losing so much of her army and one of her dragons helping the North recently.
Jaime plans to stay in Winterfell as Sansa’s guest. Dany, Tyrion, Jon head south to King’s Landing. Jon and the ground troops take the King’s Road, while Dany, Tyrion and the Unsullied sail first to Dragonstone and then onward to King’s Landing.
The Stark girls don’t trust Dany. They tell Jon as much. When they call Jon their brother, Jon breaks down. He swears them to secrecy, which always works out well. Jon has Bran to tell them his secret past.
A Nice Reunion
Jaime and Tyrion share a drink before Tyrion has to leave town. Jaime is truly happy with Brienne, which has me thinking that that Bronn is about to kill him. And just like that, Bronn walks in on them with Tywin’s crossbow. Bronn is no fool though, and lets it be known he’s open to doublecrossing Cersei for the right price. Tyrion sees Cersei’s offer of River Run and raises her High Garden. Bronn accepts and makes his exit. He won’t fight for Dany, but the offer of Highgarden keeps him from killing the Lannister bros. I wonder if we’ll see Bronn again or if he was just conveniently written out of the rest of the show here.
Clegane and Arya ride south together. It’s like they’re racing to who can kill The Mountain first. I find myself hoping that it ends up being that he fastball specials Arya at The Mountain. Also, I would totally watch an Arya and Clegane spinoff. First there was BJ and the Bear. Now get ready for AS and the Hound.
Oh, Yay, Rhaegal Lived!
I’m happy to see Rhaegal still alive. He looks worse for the wear, with a hole in his wing, but at least he’s flying.
Before leaving Winterfell, Tyrion advises Sansa against provoking Dany. “What if there’s someone else? Someone better?” Is Sansa referring to Jon here, or herself?
Tormund is taking his people north again. Jon wants him to stay, but Tormund needs space. Winterfell is too dense for him. Oh man, imagine Tormund in New York City. Jon sends Ghost with him. Even Sam and Gilly are leaving town. Gilly is pregnant! If it’s a boy, they’re going to name him Jon. Jon hopes it’s a girl. Ha, good one, Jon. Where are they headed? Back to Old Town? To the Tarley estate? North with Tormund? Sam and Jon call each other the best friends they ever had. Ghost looks sad. Is it because he’s being sent north with Tormund or because Jon just called Sam his best friend right in front of Ghost. So cold, Jon, even for winter.
Missandei and Grey Worm hold hands smiling as they sail. They look way too happy. They’re dying soon.
Sansa told Tyrion Jon’s secret. Tyrion told Varys. And they told two friends, and they told two friends, and so on, and so on. And now everyone knows. Okay, maybe not that yet. But it’s a coming.
Tyrion wants to marry Jon and Dany. Varys worries about Dany’s temper. Tyrion jokes that maybe Cersei will win and kill them all. That would solve their problems.
Never Mind What I Just Said About Rhaegal
The dragons approach Dragonstone. But before they can land, Rhaegal is shot with scorpion bolt, and then another, followed by a third that shoots straight through his neck. The dragon hits the sea hard. Another bolt narrowly misses Dany. Euron’s boats emerge with some sweet looking scorpions that are decked out to look like krakens. Oh man. Dany plays a game of chicken with Euron, but pulls up at the last minutes before the bolts could hit her. Euron turns his attention to Dany’s fleet. Grey Worm tells Missandei to get to the skiff. Those bolts aren’t just good at killing dragons. They also rip boats to shreds. Tyrion dives into the sea for safety, just in time for the boat’s mast to land on his head.
Dany’s people come ashore at Dragonstone. Tyrion and Varys lived, as did Grey Worm. Missandei is no whrere to be found. Grey Worm dives back in the water to look for hier.
At Queen’s landing, Cersei allows her people into the Red Keep. It’s a win-win. The people will be safer from an invading army, and they’ll be Cersei’s human shields. She tells Euron that the lion shall rule the land, the kraken shall rule the sea and that their child will rule them all. Oh boy. Did Cersei terminate her pregnancy with Jaime only to get impregnated again by Euron? Or is this still Jaime’s baby? As I’m wondering this, it’s revealed that Missandei has been captured! Euron got her and brought her to Cersei!
Okay, Team! New Plan!
At Dany’s war council meeting, things are looking less great. Varys doubts the new plan. I’m confused as to how Dany knows they took Missandei. It can’t just be as simple as not finding her body. It’s a sea. It’s not the easiest thing to comb. I’m guessing Varys still has inside information making its way to him? Tyrion warns that it could take Jon two weeks to reach King’s Landing. He suggests offering Cersei a chance to surrender as a way to stall for time.
Varys wants Jon on the throne and tries to convince Tyrion of it. Tyrion still would prefer Dany and Jon ruling together as king and queen. Tyrion says Jon could temper Dany’s worst impulses. He calls into question how many kings and queens Varys has served and pleads for loyalty to Dany. Varys says he’s loyal to the realm, but really, isn’t he loyal to Varys? I get that Varys believes he’s acting in the interest of everyone, but it’s really also always in the interest of himself, at least from where I’m sitting. Varys hints he’s going to bring about the assassination of Dany, and I’m surprised Tyrion doesn’t strangle him right there.
Jaime Comes Clean
Up north, Jaime finds Brienne and Sansa talking grimly to each other. It’s news from the south, and it’s not good news. Jaime can’t sleep that night. Brienne catches him leaving town to ride south and gives him the “Choose me, love me” speech from Grey’s Anatomy. He comes clean about about the horrible things he’s done for Cersei, you know, like pushing a child out of a tower window who caught them boning. To drive the message home, he says “Cersei’s hateful and so am I.” Sure, it sounds here like Jaime is betraying Brienne, but I feel like he’s saying all this to keep Brienne from following him. He’s traveling south to get close enough to Cersei to put a sword through Cersei’s back, and having Brienne with him won’t afford him that opportunity.
The Best at Negotiating. The Best.
Dany’s army approaches King’s Landing to negotiate Cersei’s surrender. Giant scorpions line the towers of King’s Landing. Dany, Tyrion and the Unsullied march up almost to the gates. Qyburn comes out to talk. Cersei, Euron, the Mountain and Missandei look on from above. Tyrion walks out to Qyburn. They both demand the other’s queen surrender. Things aren’t going anywhere, so Tyrion walks past him to talk directly with his sister. A commander has his archers at the ready, drawing on Tyrion, because Tyrion, right? All fearsome four foot something of him. Cersei almost gives the command to fire…and I’m all of a sudden wondering which one of you cowards reading this shit in my pants?
Tyrion tells Cersei she’s not a monster, which is the nicest thing I think he’s ever told her. He calls for her to stand down, telling her neither she nor her baby has to die. What’s keeping Cersei from striking him down right here? She takes Missandei by the arm and advises her that now’s a good time for her last words. Missandei ‘s last word is “Dracarys!” before Cersei has the Mountain decapitate her. Grey Worm, Dany and Tyrion are all pissed. Your move Dany. Time to burn King’s Landing.
After last week’s episode, I was pretty peeved that we didn’t get the the number of character deaths that the The Battle for Winterfell seemed like it would produce. But watching this now, I’m glad Missandei survived last week to die here. Her death here was much more powerful than it would have been if she had died in the crypts last week. Likewise, I was happy to see Rhaegal survived his crash landing last week, only to be ripped apart by Scorpion bolts this week. Does that make me evil?
Nothing ever goes the way war council plans plan out. If they did, shows like this would be much more boring.
I wondered earlier today if we really did see the end of the Night King last week or if he lived on somehow. One good fan theory video I watched posited that the icy burn he left on Bran’s arm would act as a horcrux of sorts. But with two episodes left to go in the entire series, and no sign of the Night King lingering this episode, I think we really are done with him. We have the battle for King’s Landing next week followed by the end of the entire series the following week. I don’t expect many characters to make it out of the upcoming battle alive, but I said the same thing going into The Long Night. Then again, coming out of that episode, we still needed three full episodes worth of characters around. After next week, we’ll only need enough characters to fill the finale. Expect a bloodbath.
Did you catch my recap of last week’s The Long Night?