The midseason break is over! Welcome back to our Riverdale recaps!
First things first, let’s remember where we left off. Betty is the Gryphon Queen, the Jones boys are blocked out of reentering Riverdale, and Archie has normal colored hair.
Archie is living alone in a cabin in the woods of Canada. He’s really into flannel now.
Cheryl and Toni are now JV Catwomen. Cheryl describes themselves as Robin Hoods. But Cheryl, you’re stealing from the rich to give to the mega-rich. You might want to re-read Robin Hood.
The RROTC are acting as school cops. “No hand holding in school!” Welcome to Riverdale by way of Footloose.
Veronica’s club is going full 1920s Prohibition era vibe. It’s very crowded. I guess when the town is under quarantine, even mocktails suddenly seem exciting, Wait, it turns out Veronica isn’t just selling mocktails. Reggie tells her the kegs are tapped out and they’ve got more empty bottles than full. Veronica is making money selling alcohol to underage kids at a party. She’s basically an upscale frat house for the high school set. Hmm, Riverdale is under quarantine and the people benefitting the most seem to be the already mega-rich (Cheryl and her new catburglar career, Veronica and her very illegal now that she’s selling to minors speakeasy).
Betty and Jughead wake up to a screaming girl from the Sisters of Quiet Mercy. The girl is yelling about the Gargoyle King coming to get her. Betty finds fizzle rocks in her house. Tyler, the kid with the fizzle rocks, blames an unnamed Serpent. Jughead doesn’t quite buy it, but he also doesn’t not quite buy it. Jughead blames himself for disappearing on his gang. Wait, how did Jughead sneak back into town?
Archie’s new hobby is CB radio. Man, you know you’ve hit a new low when you’re getting super into CB radio.
Reggie’s hauling beer back into town for Ronnie, but hits a spike strip that pops his tires. A trio of Gargoyles beat him up because Veronica hasn’t paid what she owes. It turns out Hiram wants a 10% cut of the speakeasy. Wow, taking protection money from your own daughter. Speaking of new lows, I think Hiram just hit his.
Pop being behind the bar of the speakeasy seems weird, right?
Outdoorsy Archie spots some hikers and goes another way. Why is Archie hiding from random Canadian hikers? He spots some interesting tracks in the dirt and decides to take a look. That’s when an animal (polar bear? Sorry, because of Lost I always assume polar bear) charges him with a loud growl.
All this before the title card! …actually, that was a kind of tame opening (except for the polar bear).
Archie don’t look so good. He’s limping and wincing. He radios his CB buddy. Archie was mauled by a grizzly! Oh damn, that’s a bad wound!
…and of course we need a gratuitous shot of Archie’s abs.
Archie passes out on the bed.
Betty’s mom wants to send the kids from the Sisters to the farm. Betty’s not down with the idea.
Hiram and Veronica meet at La Bonne Nui. Daddy is shaking down his daughter. M’hija counter: 1.
Hiram is eyeing Josie in a creepy manner.
Serpent King Jughead tells his criminal gang that they can’t do crime. They’re like, “but we’re a gang!”
A gargoyle ambushes Josie at home. Josie threatens to quit if Veronica doesn’t make a deal with her dad. She doesn’t want to get caught in the middle of their family feud.
The farmer’s daughter and Polly are recruiting girls for the farm. Polly reveals that Fangs is the one dealing drugs to kids. Skeet and Jugs interrogate him. He needed money because his mom is sick, and he needs money for her treatments. Jughead tells Fangs that the punishment is immediate exile, but he’s willing to look the other way this time. Such a tough leader, that Jughead. Fangs says he’s done dealing. Does anyone other than Jughead believe him?
The Catwomen are also running afoul of Jughead’s edict. They steal the faberge egg from Game Night from Hiram Lodge’s place, as well as that massive portrait of Hiram.
Archie comes to hallucinating Cassidy and the other guys who framed him for murder are in his cabin, with bullet holes in their heads. He tells the dead guys they’re a hallucination and they’re like, “Oh yeah, then why are we all sitting in a circle playing G&G together?” Archie actually loses an argument with a dead guy. This episode really should be called New Lows.
Betty meets with a social worker who tells Betty she has information on the Sisters and their connection to the Church. What could it be?
Cheryl didn’t steal the portrait, she left a kiss on it. Hiram wants Veronica to get back the faberge egg from Cheryl. Veronica enlists Jughead’s help, who asks “Why are you asking me?” Because you’re the Serpent King, Jughead! Come on!
Jughead wants to box out Hiram and the Gargoyles by getting Veronica to hire them to guard the speakeasy. Veronica tells him that if he gets the faberge egg back, they have a deal.
I think Archie is losing this game against the dead guys. Oh boy.
Archie has a flashback to the day the Black Hood shot his dad. This time, Archie tackles the Black Hood. When he returns to the “reality” of the cabin, the dead guys are gone, replaced by the dead warden. Archie says he’s not playing the game with someone who died from the game…and then he immediately does what he just said he wouldn’t do.
It turns out the Church disbanded the Sisters of Quiet Mercy during Vatican II over 60 years ago. Betty and Attorney McCoy use that info to pressure the head sister to break her vow of silence and testify against Hiram.
Everyone’s excited by Jughead’s news about jobs at La Bonne Nui, but then he drops the bomb that Cheryl and Toni are out of the Serpents. Cheryl cries hypocrisy about Jughead not booting Fangs, so Jughead boots him too. Anyone else see a Serpents offshoot gang coming?
Tyler, one of the kids from the Sisters, says he saw the Gargoyle King in the forest and calls out the Gryphon Queen as being a liar.
Archie draws a new quest card: Kill the Gargoyle King. Wait! Now it says Kill the Man in Black. Archie, maybe don’t take orders from the ghost of your former fight club boss?
In Archie’s fantasy, Hiram’s portrait has been replaced by the Gargoyle King’s.
Archie confronts Hiram. Archie knifes Hiram! And now he’s back in the cabin and it’s his friends running his game. Archie doesn’t want to play, but then he loses his third argument with figments of his imagination.
Hiram pours himself a scotch. The smashed bits of the faberge egg are on his desk with a note from his daughter saying no deal!
Betty tries getting the parents of her friends to take in kids from the Sisters to keep them from going to the farm.
Skeet tells his son to put him in. Whatever that means.
Reggie encounters another spike strip and is jumped by more Gargoyles. Out of the truck jump Skeet and a bunch of Serpents! Haha! Jughead tells a captured Gargoyle to go back to Hiram and tell him Veronica is under the protection of the Serpents.
Betty comes home to find her mom but no kids. Edgar took all the kids to the farm. Oh boy.
Archie picks a new, final quest card. I’m hoping it says “But my music!” The grim look on his face says otherwise. He emerges in his boyhood bedroom. Archie finds himself sleeping in bed and raises a baseball bat. His dad tries talking him out of taking a baseball bat to himself. Archie says he needs to destroy the part of him that’s stupid. I mean, can anyone argue with that? Archie proceeds to hit himself with a baseball bat in his sleep. Wait, the bed is empty! What does this even mean? I’m starting to think it means they had minutes to fill.
Veronica takes the stage at La Bonne Nui. She’s giving Reggie some eyes. New couple? These two are dating in real life, right?
Oh heyyyyyy…Vereggie is a thing!
Jughead invites Fangs back into the gang if he’ll go undercover and join the Gargoyles. Fangs is in.
Betty gets a call from Attorney McCoy. An anonymous donor posted the Sisters bail. They left a message on the cell wall: “We go to join thee.” Betty thinks she knows what it means!
Betty breaks into the Sisters of Quiet Mercy and finds the Sisters blue lipped and dead around the gargoyle statue.
A mountie busts into Archie’s cabin to find Archie bloodied, wide-eyed and not moving. She tries to shake him awake but no response! Is Archie dead?!? Probably not, but what if??? Next week: Afterlife With Archie.