Pokémon Go update allows trainers to throw shade at your critters, comment on size of your hoo-haw

As might be expected of an app that has no overt means to help users get laid or harass people in short 140-character bursts, Pokémon Go’s insane popularity is beginning to wane a bit. Although initial downloads quickly surpassed Twitter and Tinder, experts say 15 million people have gotten tired of trying to catch Rattatas in their backyards.

However for dedicated trainers (which there are still a lot of, based on my daily walk around the ‘hood yesterday), Niantic just rolled out an update that gives insights into the “IV” stats for each Pokémon. These “hidden” stats add from 1-15 points to each adorable little monsters attack, defense and HP numbers, and are thought to be the key to training a world-betaing gym master. Several bootleg programs that read the IV numbers were around, but Niantic froze them out a few weeks ago.

Of course, instead of just letting us LOOK at the stats, the update that rolled out yesterday has instead installed a system of cryptic comments by the trainers of each team, which are as mystifying as your supervisor’s comments at your last job review. You can trigger these insights from Blanche, Candela and Spark on the screen for each POkémon via a new “Appraisal” feature in the menu.

But the actual comments could be more appropriate in a remake of “Mean Girls” or perhaps a particularly brutal Tinder date.

“Your Squirtle is a little small for its kind, don’t you think?

“Its stats are all right, but kinda basic, as far as I can see.”

“Your Vulpix is so tiny, I almost didn’t notice it!”

niPKCYn

Since you can rename any Pokémon, endless, endless laughs are possible, as Reddit has already proven.

Once you’ve gotten past the fun of having Candela tell you your secret place is basic, what DO these oblique appraisal even mean? Luckily the group mind has already made charts and graphs. If your trainer says any of the following:

Overall, your Secret Place simply amazes me. It can accomplish anything!

Overall, your Trouser Companion looks like it can really battle with the best of them!

Overall, your Bubasaur is a wonder! What a breathtaking Pokemon!

It means you’ve got good stats over all. Here’s the entire chart, courtesy of Gamepress:

Team Mystic

Overall Pokemon Analysis

Phrase:

IV Range

Overall, your (Pokemon Name) is a wonder! What a breathtaking Pokemon!

82.2%-100%

(37/45 – 45/45)

Overall, your (Pokemon Name) has certainly caught my attention.

66.7% – 80.0%

(30/45 – 36/45)

Overall, your (Pokemon Name) is above average.

51.1% – 64.4%

(23/45 – 29/45)

Overall, your (Pokemon Name) is not likely to make much headway in battle.

0% – 48.9%

(0/45 – 22/45)

Pokemon Stats Analysis

I see that its best attribute is its Attack or HP or Defense.

If a Pokemon’s other stats are equal to its best stat, and then followed by…

It is matched equally by its Attack or HP or Defense.

Phrase

Reason

Its stats exceed my calculations. It’s incredible!

Pokemon has perfect IVs in at least one base stat.

I am certainly impressed by its stats, I must say.

Pokemon has IVs of 13 or 14 in at least one base stat.

Its stats are noticeably trending to the positive.

Pokemon has IVs of 8 to 12 in at least one base stat.

Its stats are not out of the norm, in my opinion

Pokemon has IVs of 0 to 7 in at least one base stat.

if it’s large or small…

Phrase

Size

The size of your (Pokemon Name) is… colossal. This is indeed exceptional. Fascinating!

XL

Your (Pokemon Name) is above average in size.

Large

Your (Pokemon Name) is below average in size.

Small

Your (Pokemon Name) is tinier than any we have on record. Astounding.

XS

Team Valor

Overall Pokemon Analysis

Phrase:

IV Range

Overall, your (Pokemon Name) simply amazes me. It can accomplish anything!

82.2%-100%

(37/45 – 45/45)

Overall, your (Pokemon Name) is a strong Pokemon. You should be proud!

66.7% – 80.0%

(30/45 – 36/45)

Overall, your (Pokemon Name) is a decent Pokemon

51.1% – 64.4%

(23/45 – 29/45)

Overall, your (Pokemon Name) may not be great in battle, but I still like it!

0% – 48.9%

(0/45 – 22/45)

Pokemon Stats Analysis

Its Attack or HP or Defense is its strongest feature.

If a Pokemon’s other stats are equal to its best stat, and then followed by…

I’m just as impressed with its Attack or HP or Defense.

Phrase

Reason

I’m blown away by its stats. WOW!

Pokemon has perfect IVs in at least one base stat.

It’s got excellent stats! How exciting!

Pokemon has IVs of 13 or 14 in at least one base stat.

Its stats indicate that in battle, it’ll get the job done.

Pokemon has IVs of 8 to 12 in at least one base stat.

Its stats don’t point to greatness in battle.

Pokemon has IVs of 0 to 7 in at least one base stat.

if it’s large or small…

Phrase

Size

Your (Pokemon Name) is gigantic—the largest I’ve ever seen!

XL

Your (Pokemon Name) is rather sizable, that’s for sure!

Large

Aww, what a small (Pokemon Name)! It’s rather cute, I’d say.

Small

Your (Pokemon Name) is so tiny, I almost didn’t notice it!

XS

Team Instinct

Overall Pokemon Analysis

Phrase:

IV Range

Overall, your (Pokemon Name) looks like it can really battle with the best of them!

82.2%-100%

(37/45 – 45/45)

Overall, your (Pokemon Name) is really strong!

66.7% – 80.0%

(30/45 – 36/45)

Overall, your (Pokemon Name) is pretty decent!

51.1% – 64.4%

(23/45 – 29/45)

Overall, your (Pokemon Name) has room for improvement as far as battling goes.

0% – 48.9%

(0/45 – 22/45)

Pokemon Stats Analysis

Its best quality is its Attack or HP or Defense.

If a Pokemon’s other stats are equal to its best stat, and then followed by…

Its Attack or HP or Defense is great, too!

Phrase

Reason

Its stats are the best I’ve ever seen! No doubt about it!

Pokemon has perfect IVs in at least one base stat.

Its stats are really strong! Impressive.

Pokemon has IVs of 13 or 14 in at least one base stat.

It’s definitely got some good stats. Definitely!

Pokemon has IVs of 8 to 12 in at least one base stat.

Its stats are all right, but kinda basic, as far as I can see.

Pokemon has IVs of 0 to 7 in at least one base stat.

if it’s large or small…

Phrase

Size

Your (Pokemon Name) is just HUGE!

XL

Your (Pokemon Name) is a BIG one!

Large

Your (Pokemon Name) is a little small for its kind, don’t you think?

Small

Wh-whoa. That’s the tiniest (Pokemon Name) I’ve ever seen!                  XS

Now you may be asking yourself, why didn’t they just make the IVs visible to everyone? Well, first off, it’s a GAME. And this is a LOT more fun, don’t you think?

This update is definitely aimed at trainers who want to “go under the hood” so to speak. As in, you ned the discipline to know that just because you have a Pinsir with CP of 1134, it may not have the ultimate potential of one that has only 861 CP.

Will everyone have the discipline to train the Pokemon that get the trainers swooning? Probably not, but you should ask yourself, how many people will even be playing Pokémon Go in a month? The ones who are will be very into IV values I’m sure.

Comments

  1. Manish says

    I got no update on Pokemon Go. Pokemon Go is still to make in my country. But, I downloaded pokemon go using iEnchantify Is there any way to update the latest pokemon go?

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