The week’s episode of Riverdale starts with a group funeral. Lest you forgot after the two week break, last week’s episode of biblical plagues ended in the first born children of Riverdale all falling to their death at the hands of Percival Pickins (Chris O’Shea). But while the episode starts with a funeral, it’s a fake one. Yes, everyone is mourning the deaths of Archie (KJ Apa), Jughead (Cole Sprouse), Toni (Erinn Morgan), and Fangs (Drew Ray Tanner), but it’s all a feint. Dr. Curdle put their bodies in deep freeze while the gang works on bringing them back. Their graves are empty.

Alice, still under the control of Percival, spreads false news on TV, blaming the mass deaths in town on gang fighting between the Serpents and Ghoulies.

The heroes are on a timer. They need to resurrect their loved ones within 3 days of their death. We’re 2 1/2 days in. Strangely, not all first borns died. Kevin (Casey Cott) didn’t, who thinks he’s alive so that Percival can get worse revenge on betraying him. Baby Anthony is another firstborn who survived.

Reggie (Charles Melton) survived, but he wasn’t in town. Percival sent him to Rome to acquire some ancient daggers with mystical properties. Beside being alive, Reggie’s doing pretty well since Percival convinced the board to oust Veronica (Camila Mendes) and put Reggie in charge of the casino.

Veronica wonders where Archie and the other’s souls are. Heather (Caroline Day) describes it as “the sweet hereafter.” The sweet hereafter for Archie is a nice family dinner with his wife Betty, their two kids and a dog. Jughead’s is drawing comics at Pop’s while dressed like the comic book Jughead. For Toni and Fangs, it’s Toni and the leader of the Ghoulies signing a peace treaty in the Whyte Wyrm. Baby Anthony is now Teen Anthony.

In the real world, Sheriff Keller and Uncle Frank intercept Kevin as he tries to leave town and bring him to see Percival.

Sabrina returns to Riverdale

Sabrina (Kiernan Shipka) makes her real Riverdale first appearance on Riverdale. No Rivervale here. Heather introduces her to the group. Sabrina give everyone her background in necromancy. Sabrina needs a coven of 6 witches. When it’s pointed out that they only have half that number, Sabrina says “All powerful, disruptive women have the potential to become witches.”

In case you were wondering, here is how to become a witch, according to Sabrina:

  1. Sign your name in the book of witchcraft
  2. Pledge allegiance to Hecate
  3. Dance party!

Witch dance party Riverdale style

Boom! They’re witches!

Sabrina and company attempt to resurrect Jughead. Sabrina looks like Sabrina from the comics when she ventures into Pop’s in the sweet hereafter. She tries to convince Jughead to go back, but he’s really happy where he is. She tells him he’s needed for the final battle, but Jughead basically responds with this is a really good burger. He calls where he is the ideal version of Riverdale. It’s so nice here and so not nice in the land of the living. He’s…got a point. He declines Sabrina’s offer.

Percival tries to crack Kevin’s mind to find out his friends’ plans, but Kevin’s mental blocks stay strong and he resists! Way to go, and very surprising, Kevin!

Sabrina returns to the land of the living with Jughead. But it’s not Jughead. It’s Nick Scratch, Sabrina’s boyfriend who was stuck in the sweet hereafter, now inhabiting Jughead’s body. As you do. Tabitha isn’t that happy about it. But Nick can help. He’s a necromancer. Sabrina’s new plan is to send Betty, Cheryl and Tabitha to the sweet hereafter after their loved ones. One catch: they have to die for a short time. Nick is worried about Betty’s energy, so Veronica is headed in after Archie. Veronica says “Kill me temporarily so that I can visit my ex-boyfriend in heaven. Why not?” The dialogue is killer this episode.

Percival wants Reggie to execute Kevin to send a message to everyone else in town. Reggie is hesitant at first, but then Percival offers Reggie’s dad Kevin’s young, healthy heart.

Cheryl asks how many people can say they died and came back? “Veonica’s response: “In Riverdale? A lot.” This might be the sharpest written episode of Riverdale ever.

Sabrina and Nick summon a ferryman to take Veronica, Cheryl and Tabitha to the sweet hereafter.

Veronica, Cheryl and Tabitha prepare to enter the sweet hereafter

Veronica breaks the news to Archie that they need him to fight Percival. Archie says they fought that war and won. As much as Veronica tries to break the spell of the sweet hereafter, Archie calls this version of Riverdale, the heavenly ideal version, the real Riverdale.

Teen Anthony admits to Fangs and Toni that he and Timmy Twist from the Ghoulies are in love and want to get married. Toni and Fangs are both super happy with the news. Cheryl interrupts the good news though. Fangs says “When Polly and Jason got married, you tried to sabotage them too.” Cheryl is surprised to hear that.

Tabitha heads to Pop’s, where Jughead is doing a comic book signing. She can’t bring herself to interrupt him. Her guardian angel, Rafael greets her. Rafael brings her up to the speed on a few things.

Cheryl heads to sweet hereafter Thornhill where Polly, Jason and the twins are having tea. Polly pregnant again, this time with triplets. I guess this is Cheryl’s sweet hereafter?  But Cheryl sees through it, through her own happy tears.

While the gang tries to resurrect their loved ones, Sabrina and Jughead, I mean Nick, head out on a date. Sabrina pitches the two of them running away and leaving Greendale behind. Nick warns her that if they do that, Death with come for both of them.

Reggie tells his dad he has a way for him to jump the line to a new heart, but his dad has been doing a lot of soul searching and would rather go out with dignity and honor.

Nick gives up Jughead’s body. Jughead is going to need it, after all.

Reggie’s in a dilemma: kill his friend and save his dad, or let his friend Kevin live and his dad dies. Reggie is visited by his conscience is the form a ventriloquist doll, who advises him to grab Kevin and his dad and blow town.

Doll Reggie

Tabitha, Veronica and Cheryl return unsuccessful in convincing their loved ones to come back. Sabrina has a new plan that involves Cheryl being the one to bring them back. Why? Because Cheryl has the power of the phoenix aka rebirth. Cheryl wants to know what the power of the phoenix is. Sabrina calls it the gift of resurrection. Cheryl calls it coo coo bananas, but is down. Cheryl is going to have to rip the souls back to the real world against their will. Unfortunately, they might comes back incomplete or tainted, or resentful.

Reggie tries to escape with Kevin and his dad, but they’re captured by Kevin’s dad, Uncle Frank and Percival.

Cheryl calls upon the power of the phoenix, igniting the dead bodies. In the sweet hereafter, Archie, in his military dress uniform, already decided to head back. Toni notices there are no photos in their wedding album after their wedding, and suspects Cheryl’s words to be true. Oh Toni, that’s because they’re all on your phone and no one prints photos anymore! In the real world, her friends bodies ignite, a blue flame phoenix flies, and the resurrected dead emerge from the blue fire.

The power of the phoenix resurrects the dead heroes of Riverdale

Cheryl sees Sabrina off, and Sabrina warns her that she might get in trouble for what she did. Death doesn’t like to be cheated. Uh-oh.

Jughead is the resentful one. But wait, it’s not resentment. It’s shock that he can hear again. He says that cushions the blow. He can still read minds, but his body is fully restored. Jughead says he remembers the other Jughead in the bunker right before he died. Wait, is he in that Jughead’s body? Did they both die? Or is that Jughead still in the bunker?

Sabrina’s warning makes more sense when Cheryl reveals that she didn’t just bring back Dagwood and Nana Rose. She also brought back Polly and Jason. What are the chances that they are both demons? If not, will Death come for payment from Cheryl?

Cheryl Blossom brings back Jason and Polly from the dead

In an attempt to cheer up Veronica, Tabitha reveals that in all her looks into the future, half of them had Betty end up with Archie, and half with Veronica.

Percival says he’s going to personally execute Reggie, his dad and Kevin, before locking them in a vault. But Reggie lifted one of Percival’s magic daggers and plans on sticking it in Percival’s’ neck the first time he gets the chance.

Tabitha tells Tonia nd Fangs that Baby Anthony can’t die, he’s immortal. And that Tabitha is Riverdale’s guardian angel. Hello! I’ve been saying that all season!