Home News Kill the Red Paladin! Riverdale S3E5 Recap

Kill the Red Paladin! Riverdale S3E5 Recap

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Between the break week and the 80s week, it’s been two weeks since we’ve caught up with our favorite Riverdale teens. So just in case you forgot:

  • Archie is in jail for murder.
  • Jughead is the leader of the local street gang.
  • All of Riverdale high is really into a hyperlocal D&D.

Speaking of which, Jugs is playing DM in G&G. Just in case you thought at the end of the last episode that Betty was maybe hallucinating again, nope, it’s true, Jughead has gone full Gryphons and Gargoyles.

Meanwhile, Archie is going full Michael Scofield. Archie and the boys make a break for it. The guards shoot at them. They’re good shots. Jughead is voice-overing this part, telling his G&G compatriots, “Your mission is unsuccessful. Everyone dies,” as Archie and the other juvie jailbirds get shot off the fence they’re trying to scale. Jugs doesn’t sounds any less crazy than he did at the end of last episode.

For whatever reason, Betty is dressed like Rainbow Brite. Jughead tells her, “We’ve been playing this game much longer than we believe.” That line doesn’t sound any less crazy spoken than it does reading it. Jugs is in deep. Walk away, Betty. Walk away. Jugs points out that Eldervare, the land in G&G, is an anagram for Riverdale. He also says the game only exists in Riverdale; they couldn’t find it on the web. Betty asks him, “Who’s telling you this?” He responds, “The game.” Seriously, walk away, Betty. Walk away. While he’s describing the game, Jughead sounds like Eddie from Friends. Remember Eddie, Chandler’s crazy replacement roommate when Joey hit the big time on a soap opera? Jughead is going full Eddie.

Mr. Lodge calls Veronica mija just once again this episode! MIJA Counter: 1. What the hell? Hiram called his daughter Mija more in any season 2 episode than he has this whole season. Also, Hiram is jacked. I get the feeling that Mark Consuelos asked,”Hey, can I show off my sweet biceps that I got at this crazy expensive gym in Manhattan?” I totally missed the conversation between Mr. Lodge and Veronica here because of those $900 a month biceps.

We get our first shirtless KJ Apa of the episode when we see Archie bound to a bed by leather straps. The Warden approaches him with a red hot branding iron. Oh damn, sorry, shirtless KJ Apa.

Betty tries to enlist Josie, Kevin and Reggie in her quest to find out the truth about the G&G killings. The three of them find all of last week’s episode as incredulous as I did.

Sweetpea wants to go off board and take the game into Riverdale. Sure, Jughead could give him a reasoned argument about why this is a bad idea. Or he could stand next to a tree, put a can on his head and tell Cheryl to shoot it off his head with an arrow. Your move, Sweet Pea.

Skeet ain’t happy that Jugs is playing G&G. You can tell always Skeet is angry the more he uses the word, “Boy!” Jughead thinks the person who killed Featherhead last week was some uber-G&G-gamemaster.

Josie and Kevin try to get the real scoop from their parents about G&G. They’re met with distractions and the hint that their parents are going to be marrying each other in the near future. Don’t drink from the Gargoyle goblets at the wedding!

Veronica’s mob kid friend Ellio (I loved your pizza when I was 10) makes a return to Riverdale and sneaks a blonde wigged Ronnie into one of Archie’s fights.  Archie is brought in with a bag on his head, but Ronnie announces, “I’d recognize those abs anywhere.” So much shirtless KJ Apa this episode. Veronica even manages to sneak back to the locker room. Archie is, of course, shirtless. They only have 20 minutes. Archies doesn’t want to talk. He wants some straight up post-fight boning. Nothing like some post-bloody-fight sex. Gross. Make him at least wash up first, Veronica!

Veronica suggests Archie stage another prison break. Archie really is going full Michael Scofield here. When he was hosing down the pool, he saw there was a big drain. Ronnie is going to do some research on the place. Wait a second, Archie is actually Linc. Ronnie is Michael. Hmmm, who is Tea Bag?

The Warden hosts Archie to a fancy one-on-one dinner. He tells Archie it’s “your final meal before your final fight.” The Warden hasn’t talked much this season, but he gets pretty gabby here and it’s all straight out of crazy town. He tells Archie “My soul belong to no mere mortal, Andrews. Judgment of all men belongs to  he who resides in  the kingdom alone. But he’s watching us. He’s always watching us” Is this dude the Gargoyle King? Who says “No mere mortal” and doesn’t dress up like a twig monster? Oh and he’s saying all this while drinking out of a goblet.

It’s fight night and Jughead is somehow narrating a G&G scenario that plays out exactly like what’s about to go down tonight. He tells his crew, “A red paladin has been captured by the mad emperor.”

Archie hints to Joaquin that he might try to escape. Joaquin kisses Archie on the lips and stabs him in the gut. Joaquin tells him, “The Warden said if I do this, I’ll finally ascend.” Wait, is Joaquin playing G&G with the Warden in juvie? Okay, I know Riverdale has been doing Jughead’s omniscient narrator voice over since season 1, but really? “Our game begins with a Judas kiss” as Archie gets kissed and stabbed? Come on!

Veronica and Reggie try conning their way into the the fight. Veronica is wearing a different blonde wig than before. Just how many blonde wigs does she own?

Mad Dog is back! And ready to fight a stabbed Archie. Arch tries to talk to Mad Dog. Mad Dog just keeps punching him.

Josie somehow got hired onto the catering staff. Kevin sneaks down to a drainpipe, but didn’t count on the drain pipe being locked. This seems like something that could have been scouted out in advance. He sees an escaping Joaquin, who yells to him, “I joined a different gang.” The Gargoyle gang?

Jughead tells his crew “You’re about to come face to face with the dark dragon,” just as Hiram sees through Ronnie’s wig.

Mad Dog does that boxer hug with Archie long enough for Archie to tell him his plan. In a panic, Veronica, Kevin and Josie through smoke bombs into the pool. Mad Dog stays behind to give Archie time to get through the grate. He knocks out a couple of guards. Hiram is pissed. The Warden is even more pissed. He yells at the guards, “We know where that pipe leads!” Ooh, where does it lead? Besides to the locked end of the pipe in the woods, of course.

Betty pops the lock off the pipe just as Archie emerges. They make their escape on a motorcycle while being chased by the Warden’s guards. They’re soon surrounded! Oh no! Archie takes off his helmet and hold the phone, it’s Kevin! Ha ha, take that, guards! Oldest trick in the book! Archie was being snuck to Reggie’s car by Veronica. Prison is broke!

The Warden asks Betty and Kevin, “Where is he? Where is the Red Paladin.” Oh come on! Not only is the Warden playing G&G, but he’s doing the same scenario that Jughead cooked up? Betty threatens to mace the Warden, despite a half dozen guards having their guns drawn on her. Warden tells everyone to fall back. I totally get Kevin’s confused face here. Even he doesn’t understand how they’re not being shot right now.

Archie falls down Dilton’s hatch. Shouldn’t they be getting this kid some medical help? He’s covered in raw sewage and has an open wound. Cut to Archie waking up in bed in the hatch, looking totally clean. Wait, who cleaned Archie up? And with what? Veronica finds the brand on Archie’s side. Oh damn, it’s one of those Gargoyle King symbols!

Veronica wants everyone to make a pact that none of them were involved in the prison break. People need to agree to this? “Oh hey, I was planning on telling everyone I helped a convicted murderer escape prison, but then Veronica made me promise not to.”

Hermione calls out both Hiram and Veronica. She tells them, “This obsession you both have with Archie Andrews is going to destroy us.” And I’m like, I feel like Hermione is talking directly to me.

Reggie and Kevin convince Josie to start playing G&G. Because the game is clearly doing wonders for everyone else in town. “Convicted murderer Archie Andrews has escaped prison.” comes over the radio. Just in case you forgot Archie is a convicted murderer.

Jughead suggests to Betty that the Warden is the Gargoyle King. This means the Warden is definitely not the Gargoyle King. Betty sends Jughead home to sleep and volunteers to watch Archie alone. I’m sure nothing bad will happen here.

The Warden is thumbing through some sweet looking G&G cards. One says Red Paladin, the other says Kill the Red Paladin. I mean, how could you not take this mean “kill the most unnaturally colored red headed boy you’ve ever seen?” Mayor Lodge pays him a visit. Is she going to be dressed in twigs? The Warden has a red phone on his desk. I wonder to whose hotline that calls? I guess we won’t find out since the Warden poisons himself blue-lip style before Mayor Lodge can be brought in.

Jughead takes the path through the woods home and comes across the Gargoyle King. Wait, is Jughead hiding or genuflecting?

RIVERDALE.

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