Just in case you missed Riverdale last week, Jughead catches us all up on where we are post-time jump. Archie fought in a war. Betty is a FBI agent. Veronica is married. Toni is Queen of the Serpents. Jughead is a published writer.
The five of them meet up in a booth at Pop Tate’s. Archie announces that he wants to save Riverdale. Betty calls this a bit weird and I really agree with her.
Afterwards, Betty and Jughead go for a walk together, and Archie and Veronica head off on their own walk. During it, Archie tells Veronica she was the last relationship he was in. Veronica tells him he should have some fun, he’s an adult.
Alice still lives in Riverdale. Polly and the twins live with her. Polly keeps weird hours, which raises Betty’s suspicions, which is fair, considering Polly’s past of being really into cults.
Jughead is staying in Dilton’s underground bunker. At this point, I might as well start calling it Jughead’s bunker. Remember those debt collectors from last week? Well, it turns out Jughead is in just under $10k in credit card debt. Who knows how much he owes those guys too?
Veronica meets up with Hiram. She wants back into the family business. He happily rejects her, throwing something she said to him 7 years ago/three weeks ago back in her face, but he does try to sell her on SoDale. That man really knows how to hold a grudge.
Jughead needs cash, and asks Toni for a job at her bar.. The Serpents are not happy with the depiction of them in Jughead’s book. Toni tells him to watch his back. Ruh-roh.
Archie meets with Principal Weatherbee about restarting RROTC, but Weatherbee says Riverdale High might not even open. Their budget has been slashed. They paint a picture so dire that I’m surprised anyone willingly sendss their kids to this school.
Jughead has writer’s block in Pop’s. Tabitha, Pop’s granddaughter, is taking over for Pop’s. She quickly lays down the law for Jughead. No more tabs. Damn, he was thrown out of both downstairs and upstairs in about 10 minutes!
Hiram meets with Toni. There’s 100 kids left at Riverdale. HIram wants to open them all scholarships to Stonewall Prep, and a counselor position for her. She declines.
Archie spies on the Ghoulies from Betty’s room. I forgot that Betty lived next door to Archie. This makes me sad for Alice, having to put up with the Ghoulies as neighbors.
Sheriff Keller is the only person left in the Sheriff’s department, another victim of Mayor Lodge’s budget cuts. Why on earth did people reelect Hiram as mayor? Hiram has a private security force, headed by Reggie Mantle. Keller warns Archie not to look for help from Reggie; he’s corrupt.
Veronica tele-interviews with the Morris William agency in LA, and tries to book a flight there, but her American Excess and all her other cards were declined. She checks in with her hubby, Chuckwick, who plays it off like, yeah, weird, same here. no biggie. He’s way too calm about all their assets being frozen. Veronica rightly suspects Chuckwick as the culprit here.
Smithers tips Veronica off that a black car has been hanging out outside. Veronica dodges her tail thanks to an old friend, that blonde wig that she thinks makes her look like anything other than Veronica in a blonde wig.
Veronica pawns some jewelry for cash and a gun. This is escalating quickly.
Betty has a nightmare about the Trash Bag Killer and awakens to a noise downstairs. Betty keeps her gun in her nightstand, totally normal. Downstairs, she almost shoots her sister. This is a great PSA for not owning guns. You might shoot your sibling after having a nightmare about a serial killer. Betty and Polly reconcile over late night tea. Spoiler: this reconciliation won’t last the episode. Betty says that after she finishes at the academy, she will be home a lot more. I don’t think it works that way, Betty.
The next day, a harried Alice is making breakfast while catching Betty up on Polly. Polly is a waitress at The Roving Eye. Toni stops by with the morning paper, which has a front page hit piece on her. Hiram is playing dirty trying to get the school shut down!
Archie enlists Reggie to bust up the Ghoulie house. Reggie and Archie tour the house, but can’t find any drugs. Archie basically accuses Reggie of tipping them off. Also, I guess Archie’s family still owns the house? Can’t he just kick the Ghoulies out? They’re clearly not paying rent and are destroying the place. On his way out, Archie spots Polly hanging out in the back.
The debt collectors from last week swing by Pop’s. Tabitha covers for Jughead. Feeling bad for him, Tabitha offers him a waiter job. He asks her to call the debt collectors in a couple of weeks to avoid his legs being broken. I fee like they’re setting these two up as a couple, while at the same time making Jughead look the most pathetic he has since he was homeless and living in a drive-in movie theater in season 1.
Reggie is also a used car dealer and Veronica is buying.
Archie rats out Polly to Betty, who is happy to put the beatdown on the Ghoulies with Archie along with the Kellers, Sweet Pea and Fangs. The group breaks into the house, knocking the front door off its hinges, and throwing Ghouldies through many windows. This can’t be good for the house. But what fun! Kevin finds a jingle jangle lab upstairs. You Ghoulies are busted, Agent Cooper style! Can she actually bust people? She hasn’t even graduated yet!
Betty, posing as Polly, calls the Roving Eye. Polly hasn’t worked there in a year. Polly so Polly.
Kevin compares what’s going on in Riverdale to Succession and i get the feeling that the Riverdale writers really love themselves.
The group trying to save the public school wants to do it by taking the public school private. Yeah, I don’t understand this either.
Betty confronts Polly about her life decisions. Remember when the two sisters made up earlier in the episode? Yeah, forget about that.
Jughead’s agent needs pages to show the publisher. Jughead sends his new book proposal to his agent, which is basically “The Legend of Pop Tate.”
Betty helps Archie clean up his house, post-Ghoulies. Then they have sex in the shower. It went down like this: Archie’s like, let’s get a pizza, and Betty’s like, sure, and then Archie’s like, I’m going to shower first, which is weird when you offer to order pizza. Just order the pizza first! It’s going to take at least 20 minutes to show up But then they’re having sex in the shower and pizza is the last thing on either of their minds.
I feel like KJ Apa is talking with a purposefully deeper voice because Archie is 7 years older now, and well, it’s weird. Stop it, KJ!
Pop has his retirement party at the diner. Jughead gives a really nice speech, basically crediting Pop for Jughead surviving his high school years by giving Jughead a warm place to spend time.
Toni plays the “If our love ever meant anything to you, help fund Riverdale High School” card on Cheryl. And it works!
Archie brings the gang together on the high school couches to pitch his plan to save the school – the four of them become teachers! Betty is the first to sign up. I don’t think Quantico is really going to be as cool with her decision as she casually thinks they will be. Also, what happened to “Watch your back, Jughead.” First Toni wants to beat him up and now he’s giving him a teaching job?
Veronica’s married name is Gecko. And her husband is a Wall St trader. Oh, come on, guys! Kevin makes another Succession
comparison. Oh, come on, writers! No more comparing your show with Succession
until Veronica performs a rap about Hiram
After Toni announces at a town meeting that these four illustrious Riverdale alum are coming back to teach, Hiram ends the meeting with a motion to dissolve the township of Riverdale and it passes! New show name next week?
Jughead’s publisher loves his Pop Tate pitch! Only problem, Jughead changed his mind. Whoops!
Veronica and her husband seemingly break up over Facetime a week after their first wedding anniversary. She’s honestly not missing out on anything. Write that poor man’s version of Chuck Bass off the show ASAFP.
Jughead moves in with Archie, which is definitely going to get in the way of Archie having more shower sex with Betty.
The episode ends with Polly on the run, literally. She’s running along the highway out of town with a truck pursuing her. The end of this episode of Riverdale looks like the start of The Little Things. Crossover? Run, Polly!