Oooh, that episode title! Bizarrodale! I’m excited going into this week’s episode of Riverdale just based on that.
Sierra and Tom are planning their wedding. They want to keep it simple. Josie and Kevin want a huge wedding. They compromise by letting their kids through them a party at La Bon Nui. Having your teenage kids plan your wedding reception, as you do. Moose and his dad, Mason, stop by their table. Mason is very reluctant to accept an invite to the wedding. What’s up his butt?
Cheryl and Toni get their SAT scores while snuggling in bed. TT outscored Cheryl, and Cheryl is nothing but happy. Which coming from Cheryl just seems so weird.
Hermione tells Veronica and Reggie that she’s collecting the money that Hermione owes the drug dealer headed into town. Veronica and Reggie both balk at the unseen-to-the-viewers dollar amount.
Cheryl meets with an alumni of Highsmith College the same day she got her SAT scores. Amazing scheduling. She’s told flat out that she will not be getting in because they’re looking to move away from legacies in favor of a more diverse student body. What a weird thing for someone on the admissions committee to actually say to an applicant.
Kevin and Moose almost get caught making out by Moose’s dad and the rest of the RROTC. Though by the attitude Mr. Keller was giving Tom and Sierra at the diner, I can’t help but get the feeling that he already knows about Moose and Kevin.
Josie visits Sweet Pea in the trailer park. He’s bummed to find out it’s not a booty call. Though she would like him to be her date to her mom’s wedding. Oddly enough, Sweet Pea tells her that he needs more commitment from her. This is a side of Sweet Pea I never thought we’d see.
Cheryl confronts her mom about Highsmith’s new policy. It turns out that Highsmith’s new policy is all Penelope’s doing, as punishment for Cheryl’s lesbianism. Wow. Cheryl wonders aloud what the alumni board would think about her twice-widowed, now dominatrix mother.
Sierra and Tom Keller find an envelope in their hotel suite. It has a familiar red wax seal on it. The Gargoyle King wants them to reunite the Midnight Club to complete Ascension Night once and for all. All of this before the title card!
Kevin and Cheryl talk about Kevin’s love woes. He’s surprised that she knows about him and Moose. Cheryl points out that they’re not exactly subtle. She introduces him to Bumble as a way to get over Moose. Did Bumble pay for this spot? Kevin wonders if Moose would come out if Moose liked Kevin more. Cheryl immediately shoots that down and won’t let him talk himself down like that.
In her own way of “helping,” at school the next day, Cheryl announces her newly formed LGBTQ Club, and also pretty much outs Moose and Kevin with a blind item that describes the two of them to a T. She clearly means well, but come on, Cheryl!
Toni storms in on Cheryl in the girls’ room and calls her out for outing Moose and Kevin. She tells Cheryl that she clearly only cares about herself and never cares about the consequences her actions inflict onto others. Not just outing Moose and Kevin, but also getting Toni kicked from the Serpents. Cheryl promises to fix all of it.
Archie peeps in on Josie in the music room. She tells him that a recruiter from Julliard is holding auditions locally, but not local enough for Josie to get there. Archie offers to drive her, and the Archie-Josie-Sweet Pea love triangle begins.
Veronica is going through the books at La Bon Nui. They simply don’t have enough money to pay off these drug dealers. Reggie comes up with the idea to rob his own dad’s auto dealership. Veronica is not only open to the idea, but offers to be his getaway driver. Veronica’s weekly slide into criminaldom continues. She suggests that Reggie wear a Gargoyle mask as to not get recognized. Who else thinks Reggie is definitely getting arrested wearing that mask?
The Midnight Club reconvenes. Hermione calls out Skeet. She asks didn’t he already arrest the Gargoyle King? Skeet points out that Tallboy was using it to cover his current gig, but wasn’t around when they were in high school. The group agrees to finish the game they started. Doesn’t that mean drinking glasses of poison? And how is Hiram going to participate from his hospital room?
Josie attends her Juilliard audition. She belts out a song acapella. No guitar, Josie? If you’re going to bring it at your audition, bring all you’ve got!
Gunshots ring out and Reggie runs to his getaway car. Reggie was shot! He got the money though, but also a a very bloody arm.
Cheryl and Toni take photos of Penelope’s brothel and immediately are caught by Penelope. They want to broker a deal. If Penelope lifts Highsmith’s new Cheryl ban, the photos won’t go public.
Josie gets rejected from Juilliard that same night she auditioned. Again, I’m surprised she decided to sing a cappella and not also shred the guitar for them. Josie laments that she can’t even get a date to her mom’s wedding. Archie promptly offers to accompany her.
Reggie doesn’t want to go to a doctor, claiming it’s only a graze. He’s not even bandaged! Who is this kid, Wolverine? When they open the bag of money, a dye pack explodes, ruining the money and covering Reggie in ink. And also making me jump in my seat. No joke. I jumped.
At school the next day, Moose surprises Kevin with a kiss in the hall. He says he came out to his dad, who took the news surprisingly well. Moose wants to both be Kevin’s date to the wedding and have sex with him.
The Highsmith headmistress informs Cheryl the policy has been reversed. Cheryl surprises the headmistress but saying that regardless of her parents’ alumni status, Cheryl knows she has the grades and academic package to get in, so she’s ceding her interview to Toni. The headmistress goes along with his, because all adults are subservient to the teenagers on Riverdale.
Veronica and Reggie meet with the drug dealer on the outskirts of town. It’s Gladys, Jughead’s mom! She immediately says, “Oh great, more teenagers.” It’s nice to know the writers of the show get it. She opens the bag of money. It’s covered in ink. Both Veronica and Reggie are shocked when Gladys says she’s Jughead’s mom. So much for her legit tire business. She wants Reggie’s car until they pay her back the money they owe. She also requests Veronica and Reggie not tell Jughead about their business.
Cheryl apologizes to Moose, saying outing him was a personal decision she shouldn’t have taken from him. Moose tells Cheryl that he and Kevin are going to do it in the bunker tonight. She recommends he bring his own sheets, as many people have had sex on that cot.
The Midnight Club breaks into Riverdale High like it’s 1985 again. Prepped for any poisoning, Penelope brought the antidote for cyanide with her. Hiram walks in with his pimp cane. They search the school, but don’t find anything from the original Ascension Night. They don’t find anything, that is, until Penelope lets out a scream. They’ve been played! This was all a distraction. The kids are all unprotected from their parents. Each parent call their kid. The good news is none of the kids are alone. The funny part is most everyone is about to get naked together. Amazingly, Archie is one of the few people with their shirt still on.
In the bunker, the Gargoyle Gang makes an appearance just as Kevin and Moose are about to be intimate. They storm inside and drag Moose and Kevin away. The two of them are brought before the Gargoyle King in the woods. He wants them to finish Ascension Night and flip for which up to drink. Moose refuses to to participate until the Gargoyle King flashes a knife.
The two teens are saved at the last minute by the Midnight Club and their kids! They unmask the Gargoyle King. It’s Moose’s dad! The RROTC are the Gargoyles! In custody, Mason says neither of the cups were poisoned. Back in high school, Mason had tried to kiss Tom, but Tom wasn’t into him that way. When Mason’s parents found out about his homosexuality, they sent him to the Sisters. There he first encountered the Gargoyle King, around the same time that the Midnight Club had started playing G&G. This admission means Mason couldn’t have been the original Gargoyle King from the Midnight Club episode!
We’re now three Gargoyle Kings in and I don’t think we’ve found the real one.
The Jones family reunites! Jelly Belly, I mean JB, and Mrs. Jones have come home. Skeet is happy to see his daughter, less so to see his estranged wife.
Josie tells Archie that in the end, her folks got the wedding they wanted. After the mess last night, they felt a big party wouldn’t have been appropriate. Archie and Josie start singing together as we check in on everyone else.
Moose tells Kevin he’s moving to Glendale to stay with his aunt. Kevin kisses him goodbye. All snark aside, I feel like this is the episode of Riverdale that gets the show nominated for a GLAAD award this season.
Toni and Cheryl make up. Cheryl wanted to make good on getting Toni kicked out of the Serpents. She put together a new gang for Toni. Say hello to the Pretty Poisons, pretty by day, poison by night.
Veronica fills her mom in on the meeting with the drug dealer. Hermione is surprised that Gladys showed up and didn’t send someone else in her place. Veronica tells her that she doesn’t think Gladys is leaving anytime soon.
Cut to Gladys and JB. Oh man, JB is as bad as her mom. She’s a like Terra from Teen Titans, playing Skeet like Terra played the Titans. I guess this makes Gladys Deathstroke.
Archie and Josie close out the episode with a song. And a kiss. Sorry Sweet Pea.
That’s two episodes in a row where Archie keeps his shirt on! What’s going on? Did they run out of makeup budget for his bear scars?
Billy Henehan writes for The Beat. In his free time, he likes to hunt down foreign language reprints of Todd McFarlane Spider-Man comics.