We’re stressed and crabby here at Stately Beat Manor. Deadlines, projects, research. Luckily about 85% of it is getting done, and that’s a fairly good percentage, but it’s taking a toll and we’re here to let you know we’ve had it up to HERE with the following:
• Microsoft Word’s Style Gallery. What the fuck is this anyway? Why can’t I just change my default font to Helvetica without going through some kind of asinine and over-complicated style changing global template rigamarole? I have met rocket scientists, brain surgeons and cancer researchers, but I have never met anyone who knew how to use Word’s Style Gallery.
• While I’m picking on Word, I hate “Clippie.” Yes, I am writing a letter, dumbass, and I don’t need your help! I know you can disable this in that mysterious “global command center” but it always seems to come back on, on PCs, anyway. Fun Fact: there are other Clippies, like a cat clippie and a little girl clippie, in case you don’t like the paper clip one. I have zero sympathy for the type of people who must be aided in their passage towards the mystical process of setting a tab that they need a cutesy animated “guide.” Seriously, MS Word is so evil…why does it double in size every time they upgrade it? I got even by stealing it off Limewire.
• Fucking printer cartridges the size of an agent’s heart. About five years ago I bought an Epson stylus printer for like $79. The ink cartridges were about the size of a pack of cards, and I had to change them maybe once every 9-12 months. Sure they cost $50 a pop for all four, but it was a reasonable expense.
Then, last fall I bought a Hewlett Packard printer/scanner/copier for $100. Decent deal I thought, except that in 9 months I have spent easily $200 on ink cartridges. Yes I know this is the current scam, but I never imagined it could be this venal and wasteful! I am currently going through many proofs of a 112 page graphic novel. Basically, I have to buy a new black cartridge every time I print out the lettering on a 26 page story to proof! (I can’t proof onscreen, as you may have noticed.) I have purchased two black cartridges this week alone! That’s outrageous!
Now, “Beat,” you may be asking, “why don’t you just, you know, print things at the office, in the King Missile tradition?” Well, first, that would be wrong. Second, the crappy PC I have at the office freezes up every time I open a TIF. I tried just what you suggest one evening, and didn’t leave the office until 10 pm because it took hours to print one story.
This dinky print cartridge scam is an affront against human decency, and wasteful to the environment, as well. Once things calm down I am investing in a home printer with an ink cartridge that can survive printing more than a single poem by e.e. cummings.
• Women’s issues and the illogical thinking they bring out from EVERYONE. I am especially sick of talking about the sexualization of children! If you like reading stories about sexy children, I want nothing to do with you, get it? I am sick of all this gender stuff because I have to live it every day. I am sick of being a woman! From now on I’m a dog on the internet.
• A flame about this high.